Home > Author Archives: Horus Focker

Author Archives: Horus Focker

Horus is a staff writer here at IS, and a consummate researcher. He is also our resident safety coordinator, and an accomplished public speaker. He likes piña coladas, but thinks getting caught in the rain is a sure recipe for catching a cold. We think he may indulge in a little too much ganja, but he writes OK, so...

In Effort to Prevent Future Beatings, United Airlines Implements Passenger Safewords

In Effort to Prevent Future Beatings, United Airlines Implements Passenger Safewords 1 vote / 5 Stars CHICAGO, IL – Embattled United Airlines announced today that it would make changes to passenger boarding procedures to prevent future beatings.  The airline, as most people are currently aware, recently dragged a passenger off an overbooked flight after a severe beating.  Rather than force their employees to deplane and find other accommodations, the airline opted to deplane a paying passenger by any means necessary.  Apparently, those necessary means involved police, a beating, dragging, and medical issues. The airline has been tight-lipped during the freefall its stock has undergone since the incident.  They’ve finally announced that they have every intention of rectifying the situation the ...

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Happy Easter from Immediate Safety

Happy Easter from Immediate Safety 1 vote / 5 Stars Happy Easter from Immediate Safety +10

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President Trump Signs Executive Order Making Everything You Read Today Literally True

President Trump Signs Executive Order Making Everything You Read Today Literally True 1 vote / 5 Stars In a late night Oval Office session yesterday, President Trump signed an executive order making everything you read today literally true.  Spokepeople for the president hope this executive order will help gullible people have a better start to the second quarter of the year than they usually do. Part of making America great again is making people who believe anything happy again.  It’s all true.  Even the stuff I don’t like. –President Trump

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Transgender Loophole: US Women’s Olympic Team Set to Dominate Games

Transgender Loophole: US Women’s Olympic Team Set to Dominate Games 1 vote / 5 Stars The plan may not have been obvious before but it is now.  The identity politics game of the American social justice movement has been a clever ruse to clean up at the 2018 PyeongChang games and the 2020 Tokyo games.  While it took us a while to realize the plan, it’s becoming crystal clear as time progresses.  With the announcement of Laurel Hubbard, a transgender “woman” from Kiwi, New Zealand, and her ability to dominate the sport of competitive weightlifting, the stage is set.  Her genetically female opponents have fully accepted the trans woman despite not liking it.  As the US searches for transitioning athletes in the high-property-value, ...

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A Day Without Women Becomes Revenge of the Patriarchy

A Day Without Women Becomes Revenge of the Patriarchy 1 vote / 5 Stars DALLAS, Texas – In a bold move, women all over the nation used the advent of International Women’s Day, the 8th of March, to organize a national strike.  While the intent was to show how difficult life would be if women didn’t show up, not all women were able to take part.  The strike went on, mainly with privileged women who either didn’t work or who could afford the time off, taking part.  The strike was a protest against the unfair treatment of women in the US.  It was likewise a demand that the current administration refrains from taking away the scant few rights women in ...

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Riots in Punxsutawney as Anti-Winter Activists Reject Phil’s Prediction

Riots in Punxsutawney as Anti-Winter Activists Reject Phil’s Prediction 2 votes / 5 Stars Winter is not a popular season, especially in the north.  Most people just want it to end which is why Groundhog’s Day hold hope for many.  This year, however, the rodent celebrity of  Punxsutawney, PA had other things in mind.  At roughly 7:25 AM on the 2nd of February, Phil, or Punxsutawney Phil as he is better known to the world, predicted six more weeks of winter.  Reactions were mixed, but it would seem that anger sometimes takes a while to reach a full boil. This year has been an emotional one already, with half the country upset over the presidential election results.  Among the rest is ...

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Trump Administration Actually Keeps Political Promises, Politicians Stumped

Trump Administration Actually Keeps Political Promises, Politicians Stumped 2 votes / 5 Stars How can you tell a politician is lying?  His lips are moving.  Everyone knows the joke.  What happens when a politician keeps his campaign promises?  Until now, no one ever knew.  We find ourselves in wildly uncharted territory and other politicians can’t seem to make heads or tails of it. The best analogy for what’s happening is found in the 1990 film Crazy People.  Dudley Moore’s character, Emory Leeson, is an ad writer who tires of lying to the people and begins to simply write his ads to tell the truth.  His agency encourages him to seek help and he is institutionalized.  Someone at the agency accidentally runs all of his ...

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DNC to Hand Debbie Wasserman Schultz Over to ISIS for Beheading

DNC to Hand Debbie Wasserman Schultz Over to ISIS for Beheading 3 votes / 5 Stars Democrats, especially those loyal to senator Sanders, are a difficult crowd to please.  Given the release of emails from DNC employees which shows conclusively how the organization defrauded Sanders and his voters, they have all but demanded a sacrifice.  The DNC is finally ready to comply. For those not in the know, the DNC’s email servers were compromised and all of the organization’s emails were released by Wikileaks.  The fallout left several staffers jobless and resulted in Ms. Debbie Wasserman Shultz ouster.  The implications are far reaching and have even compromised several long-standing relationships with large donors.  She was hired by the Clinton campaign immediately after ...

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Donald Trump replaces George Washington painting in Oval Office with Vigo the Carpathian

Donald Trump replaces George Washington painting in Oval Office with Vigo the Carpathian 34 votes / 4.29 Stars Redecoration of the Oval Office is a tradition.  Some presidents change the order of the artwork, the furniture, the paint, the wallpaper.  Some even replace everything.  From the pastel blue of the Carter years to that same rug used by Reagan, George W. Bush, and Obama, things in the office either change or don’t based on the whim of the man in the chair.  Trump has decorated the office in familiar Trump style, replacing the maroon curtains with gold ones.  Several art objects have been eliminated or added. Reports that the bust of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was removed proved to ...

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Madonna Owes Me A BJ – Claims Clinton Voter

Madonna Owes Me A BJ – Claims Clinton Voter 5 votes / 5 Stars   A man, who wishes to remain anonymous until events unfurl, has written a letter to Madonna thanking her for her offer of a blowjob in exchange for casting his vote for Hillary Clinton in the 2016 Presidential election.  In an effort to not only meet but gain some intimacy with his teenage crush, he leaped at the offer.   On Tuesday, 18 October 2016, while appearing, unplanned, to introduce Comedian Amy Schumer to her audience in New York, the pop star made the following statement. If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blow job, Ok? I’m really good. I’m not a douche ...

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