Home > Author Archives: Dr. I. M. Swindler (page 10)

Author Archives: Dr. I. M. Swindler

A lover of everything controversial and/or satirical. Takes nothing serious and finds a way to laugh at anything, anytime. Perhaps the smartest person on Earth but sucks at proper grammar. All geniuses have a weakness, no?

Florida To Hold Prisoner Purchase Promotion

Florida To Hold Prisoner Purchase Promotion 6 votes / 5 Stars TALLAHASSEE, Fl-  State officials in Florida are under scrutiny today after unveiling a new plan that would allow private citizens to purchase the remainder of prisoners sentences. In a plan they call ‘Neighborhood Watch,’ the prisoners will be transferred to private homes, provided these homes have the necessary equipment (ankle bracelet and monitor) to prohibit the prisoner from leaving the property. This is modern day slavery. People are not supposed to be able to buy people. We have rules and laws to prevent this. Florida must be stopped – Jade Brown,  Professor, UCF The administration in Florida points to overpopulated facilities and the cost of feeding the growing number ...

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Aliens Make Contact: Stop Giving Stars Stupid Names.

Aliens Make Contact: Stop Giving Stars Stupid Names. 5 votes / 5 Stars TACOMA, Wash. – Yesterday evening the National Star Registry (NSR) in Tacoma, Washington received a very special visit from a galaxy far far away. I looked out the window and there was this saucer shaped craft. It was crazy. These stairs came down and this little alien pops out. I felt like I was in a movie. – Pete Catan – NSR Sales. The being introduced himself as Stanley and asked to speak with whoever was in charge. He was taken immediately to the NSR President Thomas Gordon, who said, “We spoke for about ten minutes. Stanley was very upset that we keep selling the naming rights ...

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NFL Set to Expand Sidelines to Accommodate Parole Officers

NFL Set to Expand Sidelines to Accommodate Parole Officers 4 votes / 5 Stars NEW YORK, New York –  The National Football League has announced an unprecedented on field expansion to accommodate the large number of parole supervisors who are required to attend games with their parolees. In a unanimous vote the owners have agreed to all previsions requested by the league to monitor the activities of its players. It costs me several thousand dollars per game to put parole officers in the stands to watch their parolees on the field. – Jerry Jones – owner, Dallas Cowboys. Coaches and players are always expected to remain between the 30 yard line markers. The parole officers will get a special area ...

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Jared: From Pitching Subs to Tossing Salads

Jared: From Pitching Subs to Tossing Salads 4 votes / 5 Stars Jared Fogle has had quite an interesting couple of years. He has gone from one of America’s top advertising faces with Subway restaurants to the vile face of child abuse and molestation. Recently he has found a way to turn his culinary fortunes around again. According to sources currently doing time with Jared he has become the top salad tosser in the facility. Damn man, he tossad salad foh me the first night he was here. I was nervous man. I’m never sure if the new guys will have those type of skills doe. Now he toss salad for me once a week at least. – Eugene Fingle, ...

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Cats Don’t Have 9 Lives, Federal Study Finds

Cats Don’t Have 9 Lives, Federal Study Finds 4 votes / 5 Stars ANTIOCH, Ohio – Researchers at the small animal and rodent research labs at Ohio University have recently released several years worth of research aimed at creating life saving abilities for human beings through the study of cats and their 9 lives. More than $200 million has been invested by the federal government in an attempt to find what it is that gives a cat its 9 lives.  Also, how to extract this ability from the cats, and implant these abilities into human beings. The research is being overseen by Dr. Fillmore Coffers who is head of the institute. The process is taking far longer than expected. We ...

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Tom Brady Caught Cheating During Family Game Night.

Tom Brady Caught Cheating During Family Game Night. 6 votes / 5 Stars QUINCY, Mass –  Times just continue to get more difficult for Tom Brady. Arguably the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL finds himself embroiled in scandles that purport to show he and his New England Patriot teammates knowingly and willfully cheated their way to several SuperBowl championships. Tom has continually pledged his innocence on the field of battle but new accusations look to take the bloom off of the rose. It was just a night like any other. My parents came for dinner and we decided to get out Scrabble to loosen the mood a little bit. My parents have always been skeptical of Tom ...

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Racist Police Steal AK-47’s, Exposives From Refugees

Racist Police Steal AK-47’s, Exposives From Refugees 6 votes / 4.33 Stars DALLAS, Texas – Police in Dallas, Texas are coming under fire for the arrests of eight Syrian refugees on weapons, explosives, and grand theft auto charges after hundreds of citizens jump the gun in the racist south. It all began yesterday afternoon as Police responded to a report of a truck being stolen from a local electrician during his lunch break. Police located the vehicle speeding, going left of center, and creating a disturbance on Main St. According to the responding officers several men in the back of the truck were waiving high powered rifles and yelling at citizens on the street. The stolen vehicle was witnessed going left ...

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Ms. ISIS Beauty Pageant Ends in Controversy

Ms. ISIS Beauty Pageant Ends in Controversy 5 votes / 5 Stars DAMASCUS Syria – The first ever Ms. Isis beauty pageant was hailed as the biggest event in Syria in decades and lived up to the hype. Hundreds of homes across the middle east tuned in to see their favorite beauty queens strut and pose in a competition for the ages. The lucky winner was set to receive the coveted golden burqa which can be worn triumphantly in any social situation. Little did anyone know the night would end in controversy and rage as a wardrobe malfunction sent the entire Muslim world into a rage. The issue took place during the stone throwing competition. The front runner, Shakina Iskhden, had ...

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NFL Hands Out Harsh Penalties on Domestic Violence

NFL Hands Out Harsh Penalties on Domestic Violence 4 votes / 5 Stars NEW YORK, New york – The National Football league has long been the champion of violence and conquest on the field of battle. Rules have been created to curb the blood thirst that causes 300 pound monsters to crash into each other at top speed, and make it a game that appeals to all members of the American family. Recently the NFL has found itself embroiled in something much different. Violence off the field is becoming a concern that could rock the NFL to its core and severely damage all of the marketing work it has done to increase viewership amongst women. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is firing ...

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Red lights for anti-gun solidarity

Red lights for anti-gun solidarity 177 votes / 2.06 Stars A new trend is sweeping the nation. It’s called “red lighting”. Activists are changing their normal white porch light bulbs with special red bulbs letting the world know This is a gun free home. According to Jane Seymore who is the director of operations for the Department of Protecting Everyone (DOPE) we will soon see millions of homes adorned with red bulbs. It is clear to me that everyone is lookimg for a safer enviroment to raise their children. A gun free safe home is everything America is supposed to be. – Seymore So far many of America’s largest retailers have been selling out of the red bulbs quickly. “We ...

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