Home > Author Archives: Dr. I. M. Swindler (page 5)

Author Archives: Dr. I. M. Swindler

A lover of everything controversial and/or satirical. Takes nothing serious and finds a way to laugh at anything, anytime. Perhaps the smartest person on Earth but sucks at proper grammar. All geniuses have a weakness, no?

MTV’s “We are I.S.I.S.” drawing controversy across the world

MTV’s “We are I.S.I.S.” drawing controversy across the world 4 votes / 5 Stars NEW YORK, New York – MTV is at it again and this time the world is starting to pay attention to the dealings of this once flagship channel. The new MTV power program, ” We Are I.S.I.S.” is set to begin production and, in true MTV fasion, is stirring controversy. The program focuses on the Mahmood family and follows them with camera’s through their normal daily routine. “We wanted everyone to see they were just like us”, said Jeremy Eagers associate producer for the program. “We are all racists and must see clear to the other side”. When asked if things happened in the filming that ...

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ISIS to Begin Using Softer, Gentler Ways to Punish Infidels

ISIS to Begin Using Softer, Gentler Ways to Punish Infidels 4 votes / 5 Stars DAMASCUS, Syria – Economic struggles worldwide have hit everyone and terrorists are not immune to the struggles of making ends meet. Tourism has decreased dramatically in area’s controlled by ISIS militants and they have looked at many different ways to change their ability to balance the budget. “We ran a 4 Billion dollar deficit last year”, claims Awlaki Mohammad,  ISIS treasurer. “Infidels are afraid of us and have stopped coming. We need Infidels money badly.” Mohammad reached out to the Elsheikh Public Relations corporation for assistance with their marketing and image. Early on it looks like times are changing quickly for the Jihadist’s bottom line. ...

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Surviving Alien Abduction 2016

Surviving Alien Abduction 2016 4 votes / 5 Stars Every passing year brings with it more tales of abduction and horrors orchestrated by our visitors from above. From simple sightings to full horrifying physical examinations our helplessness as compared to our spacely counterparts has been written and talked about since man first had the ability to think and chronicle his experiences. Recently several abduction victims have unlocked the secrets of surviving these experiences and turning the tables on these out of this world aggressors. For obvious reasons these brave sources names have been changed to protect their privacy (except for Albert Schmalzeried because screw Albert Scmalzeried). We have used their experience and insight to create this list and we all ...

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Walmart to Replace Stockers With Robots, Reactions Mixed on Stangflip strategy

Walmart to Replace Stockers With Robots, Reactions Mixed on Stangflip strategy 3 votes / 5 Stars BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – The Walmart corporation, the largest retailer in the world, is preparing to replace more than half of their overnight shelve stocking staff with new super robots created by Reagent light Industries. The move, which looks to trim several hundred thousand jobs through the U.S. called Stangflip, is a must for the retail giant trying to make ends meet in the new fiscal realities that have been thrust upon us all. ” We have been testing the (Walbots) for about a month now with great success,” said James Plunk, chief operating officer of Walmart Human Resources and acquisitions. These Walbots go through ...

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Acclaim set to release followup to “Guitar Hero” with “Cowbell Hero”

Acclaim set to release followup to “Guitar Hero” with “Cowbell Hero” 4 votes / 5 Stars TIMPUEY, Hong Kong – The Acclaim corporation is set to make one of the biggest video game releases in recent memory next week with the follow-up to its trend-setting industry giant “Guitar Hero.” It’s a new twist on the music game genre, called “Cowbell Hero.” We have found that many of our customers want to play the guitar but lack the intelligence or dexterity to use the guitar shaped controllers our games use. We figured even a complete idiot could play the cowbell. Advanced sales are through the roof and we will not be able to keep up with demand. Skill less people are ...

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Transgenders to Liberal do-gooders : Please stop trying to “help”.

Transgenders to Liberal do-gooders : Please stop trying to “help”. 3 votes / 5 Stars MADISON, Wisconsin – Restrooms, believe it or not, have become the new battlefield in America’s social wars. Many have tried to resolve these differences in Bakeries, Clerk of Courts offices, and even in many churches but the battle rages on with no resolution or end in sight. Now, some of our transgender friends, battle weary and angry, are speaking out and in a way, you would never imagine. According to transgender activist Terri Manorah, Stop helping us! I used to be able to use the restroom without a problem. Nobody ever bothered me. Now you liberals with your bullshit agenda have decided to fight for ...

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Warning : Millennials torn on who to support and eventually not vote for

Warning : Millennials torn on who to support and eventually not vote for 5 votes / 5 Stars SEATTLE, Washington – The 2016 presidential race has been one of the most contentious and tumultuous periods in American election history. This is an especially confusing time for millennials, who could make a difference if they actually voted. “I supported and didn’t vote for Bernie Sanders in the primary”, said Kaitlyn Andrews. “Now that it looks like he won’t win I suppose I will have to chose to support and not vote for either Trump or Clinton. I will have to make my decision soon as there are so many social media accounts to update.” Kaitlyn is not alone. According to the ...

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Mayor Emanuel to Announce ‘Guns for Jordans’ Initiative

Mayor Emanuel to Announce ‘Guns for Jordans’ Initiative 4 votes / 5 Stars CHICAGO, Illinois- Mayor Rahm Emanuel has scheduled a major press conference for next week to introduce the newest and grandest idea to get guns off of the streets of Chicago. His “Guns For Jordans” campaign is a bold and audacious move to get us one step closer to a gun free Chicago, and eventually Illinois. We’ve had a hard time getting guns from gang-bangers. They like the additional protection that guns bring.  I hear the only thing they like more is Jordans.  I have struck a deal with Nike that will get thousands of guns off of the streets. – Mayor Emanuel Many citizens of Chicago are ...

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Local Union : Fires are dangerous. Call us when it’s out.

Local Union : Fires are dangerous. Call us when it’s out. 5 votes / 3.8 Stars Palo Alto, California – The month-long clash between the citizens and unions in Palo Alto, California is finally over and it is clear the unions have won. Safety is, indeed, paramount in the new agreement but some citizens are suggesting that the cities firefighters are no longer allowed to fight fires. My house was burning down and the firefighters all just stood around doing nothing. I tried to get them to do something but they said their contract says fire is too hot to go near. – Sid Boyer (resident) The firefighters were actually correct in their interpretation of the contract. Article 3 clause ...

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Congress to Change the Face of All US Cash

Congress to Change the Face of All US Cash 8 votes / 4.5 Stars WASHINGTON D.C. – The entire nation is talking about the story coming out of the U.S. Mint regarding the changes in the faces on the nation’s currency. So far it has been revealed that Harriet Tubman will be replacing Andrew Jackson on the twenty dollar bill. According to sources within the Mint, more changes are coming at a fast pace of one piece of money per week. This should provide a spark to add value quickly to the dollar and make it the envy of collectors worldwide. We have received advanced notice of many of the changes and list them below. Obviously, things can change but ...

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