Home > Author Archives: Dr. I. M. Swindler (page 5)

Author Archives: Dr. I. M. Swindler

A lover of everything controversial and/or satirical. Takes nothing serious and finds a way to laugh at anything, anytime. Perhaps the smartest person on Earth but sucks at proper grammar. All geniuses have a weakness, no?

Anonymous hacker to Muppets : Your days of innuendo and euphemism are over

Anonymous hacker to Muppets : Your days of innuendo and euphemism are over5 votes / 5 Stars SESAME Street, U.S.A. –   Why did you click this? Anonymous doesn’t work this way, and the muppets? C’mon man. Though I suppose we believe every other story Anonymous is mentioned in.   +180

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Poll : 96% of Aborted Babies Plan to Vote for Hillary

Poll : 96% of Aborted Babies Plan to Vote for Hillary4 votes / 5 Stars ATLANTA, Georgia – A recent 2016 Presidential poll conducted by CNN points to a tremendous advantage for Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton among former aborted babies nationwide. The poll, conducted over a period of three days shows Ms. Clinton with a commanding 96% lead while Donald Trump holds 2% and 2% remain undecided. This is a major blow to Republicans everywhere and shows an odd inability among aborted babies to understand politics and party affiliation. We recently caught up with Tim Stearling (CNN polls coordinator) to ask why the poll was done and how the results were so skewed. ” We wanted to point out ...

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Homeland Security: We Can Only Afford to Protect 45 States

Homeland Security: We Can Only Afford to Protect 45 States4 votes / 5 Stars WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unexpected, and stunning announcement from the DHS (Department of Homeland Security) undersecretary to the deputy chief of the Vice President, Timothy Hillsrom, we have learned that the department is so underfunded that drastic steps are being taken at this moment that will change all American’s level of safety.  Current 2016 funding levels limit DHS’s ability to protect the entire nation. In fact, we are getting word that in fiscal year 2017 only 45 of the 50 states in the union will fall under DHS protection.  And that change completely ignores protectorates like Puerto Rico. The announcement, which will certainly induce panic ...

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Muslim attacker schooled by a little girl

Muslim attacker schooled by a little girl4 votes / 5 Stars Basically, when you set out to treat people badly, make sure you’re the top dog in the room first.   +150

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MTV’s “We are I.S.I.S.” drawing controversy across the world

MTV’s “We are I.S.I.S.” drawing controversy across the world4 votes / 5 Stars NEW YORK, New York – MTV is at it again and this time the world is starting to pay attention to the dealings of this once flagship channel. The new MTV power program, ” We Are I.S.I.S.” is set to begin production and, in true MTV fasion, is stirring controversy. The program focuses on the Mahmood family and follows them with camera’s through their normal daily routine. “We wanted everyone to see they were just like us”, said Jeremy Eagers associate producer for the program. “We are all racists and must see clear to the other side”. When asked if things happened in the filming that he ...

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ISIS to Begin Using Softer, Gentler Ways to Punish Infidels

ISIS to Begin Using Softer, Gentler Ways to Punish Infidels4 votes / 5 Stars DAMASCUS, Syria – Economic struggles worldwide have hit everyone and terrorists are not immune to the struggles of making ends meet. Tourism has decreased dramatically in area’s controlled by ISIS militants and they have looked at many different ways to change their ability to balance the budget. “We ran a 4 Billion dollar deficit last year”, claims Awlaki Mohammad,  ISIS treasurer. “Infidels are afraid of us and have stopped coming. We need Infidels money badly.” Mohammad reached out to the Elsheikh Public Relations corporation for assistance with their marketing and image. Early on it looks like times are changing quickly for the Jihadist’s bottom line. As ...

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Surviving Alien Abduction 2016

Surviving Alien Abduction 20164 votes / 5 Stars Every passing year brings with it more tales of abduction and horrors orchestrated by our visitors from above. From simple sightings to full horrifying physical examinations our helplessness as compared to our spacely counterparts has been written and talked about since man first had the ability to think and chronicle his experiences. Recently several abduction victims have unlocked the secrets of surviving these experiences and turning the tables on these out of this world aggressors. For obvious reasons these brave sources names have been changed to protect their privacy (except for Albert Schmalzeried because screw Albert Scmalzeried). We have used their experience and insight to create this list and we all owe ...

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Walmart to Replace Stockers With Robots, Reactions Mixed on Stangflip strategy

Walmart to Replace Stockers With Robots, Reactions Mixed on Stangflip strategy3 votes / 5 Stars BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – The Walmart corporation, the largest retailer in the world, is preparing to replace more than half of their overnight shelve stocking staff with new super robots created by Reagent light Industries. The move, which looks to trim several hundred thousand jobs through the U.S. called Stangflip, is a must for the retail giant trying to make ends meet in the new fiscal realities that have been thrust upon us all. ” We have been testing the (Walbots) for about a month now with great success,” said James Plunk, chief operating officer of Walmart Human Resources and acquisitions. These Walbots go through training ...

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Acclaim set to release followup to “Guitar Hero” with “Cowbell Hero”

Acclaim set to release followup to “Guitar Hero” with “Cowbell Hero”4 votes / 5 Stars TIMPUEY, Hong Kong – The Acclaim corporation is set to make one of the biggest video game releases in recent memory next week with the follow-up to its trend-setting industry giant “Guitar Hero.” It’s a new twist on the music game genre, called “Cowbell Hero.” We have found that many of our customers want to play the guitar but lack the intelligence or dexterity to use the guitar shaped controllers our games use. We figured even a complete idiot could play the cowbell. Advanced sales are through the roof and we will not be able to keep up with demand. Skill less people are a ...

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Transgenders to Liberal do-gooders : Please stop trying to “help”.

Transgenders to Liberal do-gooders : Please stop trying to “help”.3 votes / 5 Stars MADISON, Wisconsin – Restrooms, believe it or not, have become the new battlefield in America’s social wars. Many have tried to resolve these differences in Bakeries, Clerk of Courts offices, and even in many churches but the battle rages on with no resolution or end in sight. Now, some of our transgender friends, battle weary and angry, are speaking out and in a way, you would never imagine. According to transgender activist Terri Manorah, Stop helping us! I used to be able to use the restroom without a problem. Nobody ever bothered me. Now you liberals with your bullshit agenda have decided to fight for the ...

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