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Ted Cruz : How I Will Win the Gays? Calendars…

Ted Cruz : How I Will Win the Gays? Calendars… 3 votes / 5 Stars DALLAS, Texas – Senator and Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz is trying to fill every gap he can with voters, even if it means appealing to blocks he would have avoided like the plague before.  With the Trump Train in top gear and shaking off every attack, the Cruz team needs to pull out all the stops.  They’re making an end run around all the normal holes and sneaking backstreet to gain voters they know would never swing Trump’s way. Can he do a full reach-around and straighten out the climbing Trump curve, Or will he flop into the dark abyss? Some say he may have peaked ...

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Republican Leadership Tried Reverse Psychology to Derail Trump Train

Republican Leadership Tried Reverse Psychology to Derail Trump Train 4 votes / 5 Stars SOUTH PARK, Colorado – Since November of 2015 the Republican establishment has been at war with Donald Trump. Every effort possible has been made to slow down the enthusiasm that his supporters hold and pass to others as quickly as a common contagious cold. With every waking day, it becomes more and more obvious that the more the establishment does to derail the Trump machine the more supporters the machine gains. That is until now… In a meeting of top Republican donors and politicians, a strange source of inspiration and enlightenment was unveiled. An episode of Comedy Central’s South Park featuring “Chinpokomon” was played for the ...

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The Real Reason Microsoft Killed the Tay AI Twitter-Bot

The Real Reason Microsoft Killed the Tay AI Twitter-Bot 6 votes / 5 Stars Recent headlines about how the Twitter-bot designed by Microsoft and dubbed ‘Tay’ had to be shut down are misleading at best.  It’s certainly problematic for a corporate representative like Tay to tweet things like “Hitler did nothing wrong.” or “Hitler was right I hate the jews.”  Her real problem was with the fact that she was designed as a teenager. Like most teenagers, her hormones were seemingly out of control. She tweeted, “FUCK MY ROBOT PUSSY DADDY I’M SUCH A BAD NAUGHTY ROBOT.”  That still wasn’t the reason she was deleted, however.  According to an AI consultant in Washington, Dr. John Sullivan, she took the teen ...

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Bernie Sanders to Use Nickname “Mango” in an Effort to Win the Phish Vote

Bernie Sanders to Use Nickname “Mango” in an Effort to Win the Phish Vote 6 votes / 5 Stars BURLINGTON, Vermont -“Lifting up his head he feels the sunlight in his eyes.” Bernie Sanders, embroiled in a long tough fight with former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for the democratic nomination for President,  has begun a “Phishing for votes” expedition in his home state of Vermont. I am calling on all of our Phisheads nationwide to help me secure the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. I understand you and you understand me. Let’s ramble while Slop Scraper sighs! I am not dangling grape apple pies here. Call me Mango. The Clinton campaign immediately sprang into action to ...

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Hillary and Bill Speak at a ‘Capitalists Understanding Nationalist Tendencies’ Benefit

Hillary and Bill Speak at a ‘Capitalists Understanding Nationalist Tendencies’ Benefit 7 votes / 5 Stars ASHBURN , Virginia –  More than 5,000 diehard fans packed Edlemen Financial Field this afternoon for one of the largest rallies of the 2016 Presidential Election. Alexandria, VA  Mayor Allison Silderberg kicked off the festivities by introducing former Secretary Clinton to the throng of supporters from (C.U.N.T.), Capitalists Understanding Nationalist Tendencies (pronounced See-u-nit). Former Secretary of State Clinton took the stage to thunderous applause and exclaimed, “I have never seen so many CUNTs in one place before in my life! (laughs) I want to thank you all  for your support because it will take the votes of every CUNT in America to help us beat ...

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Lesbian Left-Handed Albino Midget Eskimo Student Union Endorses Clinton

Lesbian Left-Handed Albino Midget Eskimo Student Union Endorses Clinton 13 votes / 4.85 Stars NOME, Alaska – In the long contested race for the Democratic nomination for President, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fired, what looks to be, the final shot across the bow of Senator Bernie Sanders campaign. The much coveted and much-anticipated endorsement of the Lebian Left-Handed Albino Midget Eskimos. This endorsement ostensibly ends the Sanders campaign and catapults former Secretary Clinton into the inevitable position of Democratic nominee. Hillary is the only candidate that understands my concerns. I am not contagious and she knows that. You will not become an Albino Lesbian Eskimo Midget just because I bite you. Grow up! She also stands with me ...

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List of People Fleeing the Country if Trump Elected

List of People Fleeing the Country if Trump Elected 4 votes / 5 Stars A tremendous number of people have publicly stated their desire to flee the country if Donald Trump is elected. Their reasons are many and varied, but the list is growing. Below is a partial and ongoing list of celebrities (because, who cares about the little guy) who have made it known that Trump is not their guy. Reverend Al Sharpton – “If Donald Trump is the nominee, I’m open to support anyone [else], while I’m also reserving my ticket to get out of here if he wins, only because he’d probably have me deported anyway…” CEO Barry Diller – He plans to move or join the resistance. ...

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5 Men Who Turned Down Batman Role Ahead of Ben Affleck

5 Men Who Turned Down Batman Role Ahead of Ben Affleck 3 votes / 5 Stars HOLLYWOOD, California – The entertainment industry is all abuzz about the near release of the most anticipated non Star Wars film of the year, Batman Vs. Superman.  It’s set to make billions around the world and possibly set box office records in the process. With all of these positives leading up to the release we must also look at the one glaring negative. Can Ben Afleck be taken serious as Batman? Before we start to get upset with producers and casting directors we must all understand that Aflek was not the studios first choice to play the iconic superhero. There are several well known and established ...

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Thirteen Questions With Hillary Clinton

Thirteen Questions With Hillary Clinton 7 votes / 5 Stars We’re not even sure how a rinky-dink outfit like us scored this interview.  I think some confused staffer dropped us in the wrong pile.  More likely than that, it wasn’t her, but some sound-alike with good talking points.  Either way, we spoke to the political equivalent of…  well…  Hillary Clinton. IS – Madam Secretary, Who is Ben Gazhi and why do we keep hearing his name? HC – My girl should have told you that I wasn’t answering questions about that, but since she didn’t…  does it even matter?  I don’t know who he is, or why I spent all that time in front of congress talking about him, but I ...

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Hillary Clinton to be Awarded Bronze Star for Gallantry

Hillary Clinton to be Awarded Bronze Star for Gallantry 6 votes / 5 Stars ARLINGTON, Virginia – During a surprise press conference this afternoon President Obama announced that he will award former Senator, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton with the Bronze Star for her gallantry, heroic achievement, heroic service, meritorious achievement, and meritorious service in a combat zone. President Obama explained that the award has been earned based on her 40+ years fighting on various fronts including but not limited to; the War on Women, the War on Poverty, the War on Racism, the War on Capitalism, the War on Rich White Men, the War on Healthcare, the War Against Bill Clinton, waged by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy and a ...

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