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Announcements

Oscar Surprise: Footballer Bryan Carrasco Nominated for Best Actor

Oscar Surprise: Footballer Bryan Carrasco Nominated for Best Actor 6 votes / 5 Stars HOLLYWOOD, Ca – The Academy Awards (AKA the Oscars) have long been the goal of actors the world over.  The award has historically only gone to screen actors, but with waning popularity of award shows, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (or the Academy, for short) has entertained ideas for bringing back the popularity of the event.  They’ve tried booking forces of nature like Neil Patrick Harris and Chris Rock as host, and invited huge names in music to perform at the ceremony.  They’ve even taken steps to reduce the time egotists have in front of the microphone after George Clooney used the stage to ...

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Vegas Gives 3:1 – Tom Brady is Caught Cheating in 2016 Playoffs.

Vegas Gives 3:1 – Tom Brady is Caught Cheating in 2016 Playoffs. 8 votes / 5 Stars Rejoice! It is January again. A month full of snow, playoffs, and Tom Brady shenanigans. The King of asterisks will be at it again this year and Vegas is paying attention. Money, as always, is on the line and Vegas needs to recapture some of their revenue on Patriots games as big betters are afraid to lay down money where cheating is involved. Our biggest betters have been avoiding New England Patriots games because of the constant cheating that they are accused of committing. Therefore we have decided to make the cheating a way for our customers to bet and make money. – ...

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Donald Trump Set to Trademark the Word ‘Great’

Donald Trump Set to Trademark the Word ‘Great’ 5 votes / 5 Stars In another bold election cycle move, the ever opportunistic Donald Trump has petitioned to trademark the word “great.”  The often overused adjective of choice for Mr. Trump is now causing more publicity on the legal front. Our phones are ringing off the hook and everyone wants The Donald for interviews.  This has been absolutely great!  Sonofa… I think I owe The Donald a dollar now. – Joshua Hixenbaugh (Trump campaign advisor). Many folks have been very vocal in opposition to Mr. Trump’s latest foray into trademark and copyright law. You can’t just trademark a single word, especially one that has been in the dictionary since day 1. ...

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Hillary’s Most Damning Emails Recently Released.

Hillary’s Most Damning Emails Recently Released. 5 votes / 5 Stars WASHINGTON D.C. – The Federal Bureau of Investigations this morning released the most embarrassing emails yet retrieved from Hillary Clinton’s private email servers. According to reports from inside the F.B.I’s Electronic Communications Division, these emails show a cooperation between Ms. Clinton acting as Secretary of State and Prince Bundabih Hadheez from the small country of Bahmudi. According to these reports Prince Hadheez had sent various emails to the Secretary of State’s private email account seeking assistance with cashing checks from the Central bank of Bahmudi. According to the emails Prince Hadheez was unable to withdraw his money due to issues with his bank. The only way to retrieve his ...

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Immediate Safety Interviews Carly Fiorina

Immediate Safety Interviews Carly Fiorina 5 votes / 5 Stars Did you honestly think we were going to do that?  Seriously?  She’s completely irrelevant, and quite frankly we’re disappointed that you even clicked the headline.  There are a lot of candidates who matter, so maybe you should go look one of them up.  We hear Trump is popular with a certain class of people we wish not to disparage (because they have guns).  Carson is a name we hear a lot.  He’s really weird, though.  How about Bernie Sanders?  He’s entertaining, but he’ll likely die of old age before his inauguration.  People seem to like Clinton, but she lies so much we’re not sure why they do.  Ted Cruz scares ...

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President Obama Ready to Announce his “Adopt a Refugee” Policy

President Obama Ready to Announce his “Adopt a Refugee” Policy 4 votes / 5 Stars WASHINGTON D.C. – President Obama is taking no prisoners when it comes to the safety and well being of Syrian refugees seeking asylum in the US. He has been having a very difficult time convincing an emotionally charged congress and citizens that these refugees are safe. Nothing is more essential to our American way of life than lending a hand to those in need. Since the Republican lead Congress refuses to fund new homes for those downtrodden souls seeking refuge from the horrors of oppressive governments I would ask each of you to open your hearts and your homes to adopt a refugee today. – President Obama ...

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Jared: From Pitching Subs to Tossing Salads

Jared: From Pitching Subs to Tossing Salads 4 votes / 5 Stars Jared Fogle has had quite an interesting couple of years. He has gone from one of America’s top advertising faces with Subway restaurants to the vile face of child abuse and molestation. Recently he has found a way to turn his culinary fortunes around again. According to sources currently doing time with Jared he has become the top salad tosser in the facility. Damn man, he tossad salad foh me the first night he was here. I was nervous man. I’m never sure if the new guys will have those type of skills doe. Now he toss salad for me once a week at least. – Eugene Fingle, ...

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Tom Brady Caught Cheating During Family Game Night.

Tom Brady Caught Cheating During Family Game Night. 6 votes / 5 Stars QUINCY, Mass –  Times just continue to get more difficult for Tom Brady. Arguably the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL finds himself embroiled in scandles that purport to show he and his New England Patriot teammates knowingly and willfully cheated their way to several SuperBowl championships. Tom has continually pledged his innocence on the field of battle but new accusations look to take the bloom off of the rose. It was just a night like any other. My parents came for dinner and we decided to get out Scrabble to loosen the mood a little bit. My parents have always been skeptical of Tom ...

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NFL Hands Out Harsh Penalties on Domestic Violence

NFL Hands Out Harsh Penalties on Domestic Violence 4 votes / 5 Stars NEW YORK, New york – The National Football league has long been the champion of violence and conquest on the field of battle. Rules have been created to curb the blood thirst that causes 300 pound monsters to crash into each other at top speed, and make it a game that appeals to all members of the American family. Recently the NFL has found itself embroiled in something much different. Violence off the field is becoming a concern that could rock the NFL to its core and severely damage all of the marketing work it has done to increase viewership amongst women. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is firing ...

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Mall Elves Protest Unfair Wages, Working Conditions

Mall Elves Protest Unfair Wages, Working Conditions 3 votes / 5 Stars Every year during the holiday season, malls across the country drag the holiday decorations out of the storage dungeon and proudly display them in the main common area.  Along with all the decorations, come the north pole themed displays, the reindeer, and the lines of children waiting to see Santa.  With Santa invariably come his elves.  Children who believe aren’t aware that these elves are generally little people (and the occasional short, skinny girl). Seasonal employees are generally considered expendable by their nature, but Santa’s helpers are a special case.  They’re similar to the temporary workers at shipping and logistics companies like UPS, Fedex, and the US Postal ...

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