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Safety

Your Office Chair May Be Trying to Kill You

Your Office Chair May Be Trying to Kill You 6 votes / 5 Stars Odds are, you’re sitting in an office chair at this very moment.  Odds are you know very little about that chair.  You probably don’t know where it was made, by whom it was made, or how it was made.  You probably don’t even know what all the controls do.  For instance, what’s that knob under the middle for?  You’ve turned it 20 times, and it doesn’t seem to do anything.  Once in a while you bang on one of the levers with your foot and nearly flip backward because the chair has a recline feature you didn’t know existed. Did you get a manual with your ...

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Amazon : Forget Drones, Wormholes are the Future

Amazon : Forget Drones, Wormholes are the Future 8 votes / 5 Stars GENEVA, Switzerland – The future is now, but it is not the future we were expecting. Geneva, Switzerland is all abuzz, as is the rest of the world, regarding new information just released this morning that will take the scientific community for the ride of a lifetime. According to Stanley Griswald, (Amazon corp. Director of scientific discovery), life is about to change for all of us in an amazing Amazon kind of way.  According to Griswald, the Amazon drone program has been put on hold practically before it even started while they begin work on their new, revolutionary wormhole project. Imagine ordering a product from California and ...

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Cops: We’re not Racist, Just Too Out-of-Shape to Chase You

Cops: We’re not Racist, Just Too Out-of-Shape to Chase You 7 votes / 5 Stars Chicago, Ill – We have all grown accustomed to hearing the horror stories of young minority citizens being gunned down in the streets by overzealous or often poorly trained law enforcement officers. Explanations are difficult to come by and usually just increase the confusion.  That is, until now. The president of Chicago’s largest officers union, Dr.Thomas Cabin is speaking out and gaining traction with his new theory. It is my belief that these few incidents have very little to do with actual racism. It seems to me that many of our officers are simply too out of shape to do the most basic tasks involving ...

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Cruz Leans Toward Voting Rubio in Texas Primary.

Cruz Leans Toward Voting Rubio in Texas Primary. 6 votes / 5 Stars ARLINGTON, Texas – Senator Ted Cruz returned home to Texas today following a somewhat successful beginning to what looks to be an exciting and eventful Republican nomination process. He met with reporters briefly to discuss his aspirations in the race ahead and the importance of Texas in the grand scheme of modern politics. Of the many questions asked, one in particular, seems potentially problematic for the Senator. Yancy Trembler from the Dallas Morning News asked Senator Cruz who is the person most equipped to get America on the right track again. The answer from the candidate was astonishing. We all know I have been a big supporter ...

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Florida Company Says: Safer Meth Labs on the Horizon

Florida Company Says: Safer Meth Labs on the Horizon 5 votes / 5 Stars TALLAHASSEE, Florida – There is scarcely a person alive in the United States who has never heard of Crystal Meth, or Methamphetamine, or Meth, as it’s known by those with street cred.  Thanks to shows like Breaking Bad, it’s also known by people who don’t use it but may be considering it.  The Internet is awash with jokes and memes about the drug that give us all a giggle and help our feeling of superiority.  The knowledge non-users tend to have about it revolves around the danger of addiction and the health issues that arise from it.  Only slightly less well known is the danger of ...

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Congress Proposes ‘Rape Free Zone’ Legislation to Curb Sexual Assault

Congress Proposes ‘Rape Free Zone’ Legislation to Curb Sexual Assault 12 votes / 5 Stars WASHINGTON, DC – Rape is an issue on the minds of many women and men across the Unites States, and our congress has finally started to take notice.  Freshman congresswoman, Norma Torres (D), California, has seen the horrors that grip society from coast to coast related to America’s apparent rape culture and refuses to allow it to continue. She has drafted legislation in conjunction with feminist interests to take a page from the anti-gun movement.  The proposal is to make rape even more illegal in certain ‘rape free’ zones. Like gun free zones, rape free zones will have certain default locations, as well as leaving ...

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Shark Week Surpasses Superbowl Week for Highest Domestic Violence

Shark Week Surpasses Superbowl Week for Highest Domestic Violence 6 votes / 5 Stars CHICAGO, Ill – Superbowl week has long been known as the week during the year that boasts the most reported domestic violence cases nationwide. For several decades the NFL has been unsurpassed in their ability to juice the testosterone out of their die-hard fans. 2015 was dramatically different. Shark Week has become, not only competition for the NFL, but according to several national crime statistics, has surpassed the NFL in reported cases of Domestic violence. These stats came as a big surprise to everyone, that is, except maybe the NFL and Discovery Channel.  We reached out the the NFL offices for comment. We here at the NFL try ...

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Chipotle Roulette – Because We Know You Can’t Resist

Chipotle Roulette – Because We Know You Can’t Resist 8 votes / 4.5 Stars DENVER, COLORADO – A new marketing campaign by America’s favorite premium fast food chain, Chipotle, is sticking it’s thumb right in the eye of the CDC (Center for Disease Control), the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) and the American public at large. The new “Chipotle Roulette” game, which promises consumers a 1 in 6 chance of contracting E. coli, has actually begun to increase customers willingness to purchase and consume Chipotle’s products. According to our marketing research we have found that our customers love our product so much that they are willing to risk contracting E. coli to eat it. I decided we should market toward ...

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Least Safe Thing About Teen Dating: Her Father

Least Safe Thing About Teen Dating: Her Father 4 votes / 5 Stars Teenagers date.  It’s a natural part of the process of growing up.  They also do all manner of things fathers don’t want to think about.  This fact has given rise to the DADD movement, among others.  DADD stands for Dads Against Daughters Dating.  This idea is generally limited to fathers of good looking daughters, but looks are a very subjective thing. DADD is not an organized movement, as opposed to the MADD movement, which has meetings and a national headquarters.  It’s more of just a shirt that dads can wear to announce that they feel their daughter is good looking enough to warrant a defensive posture in regards ...

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Lego® Blocks Strewn About Battlefields a War Crime?

Lego® Blocks Strewn About Battlefields a War Crime? 6 votes / 5 Stars The world has seen far more than its fair share of war, and no period in history has been without bloodshed.  With the advent of agreements, conventions, and treaties on the laws of war, we’ve seen a far more humane set of rules emerge on how human beings are to properly kill each other.  Since the 1864 Geneva Convention and all the way up to the 2008 Convention on Cluster Munitions, the world has sought to eliminate the most horrible parts of armed conflict. There are rules about intentionally starving civilian populations, controlling the weather, dipping bullets in garlic and toxic substances, and even a whole convention on the ...

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