The Mans Guide To Acceptable Christmas Movie Viewing

It’s sometimes difficult for men to know what can and cannot be watched during the holiday season while still maintaining a claim on manhood.  We’ve narrowed down our recommendations but as always we welcome feedback.  Below are the approved movies, the unapproved movies, and the ones that are approved under special circumstances.

 NOT APPROVED: Just don’t watch them…  ever…

1. White Christmas – There are like, 5 minutes of Christmas in this whole stinking movie and that time is compromised by Bing Crosby and Danny Kay tap dancing. There are no circumstances that men should ever voluntarily view this movie, and furthermore, a girl who loves you would never put your man card in jeopardy by forcing, or otherwise coercing you to sit through this. There are even Hawaiian shirts worn in this worthless pile of tripe.
2. Bridget Jones Diary – !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!one1!!
3. Star Wars Holiday Special – Oh, where to begin. George Lucas is right to insist that this “movie” never see the light of day again. It is uncomfortable at best, features singing by Bea Arthur, and at least 30 minutes of Wookies talking with no narration or subtitles. Honestly, most of the show is awkward and creepy and should never be viewed by anyone…..EVER.
4. Jack Frost – Oh, sappy Christmas time lost love, I’m in your heart kind of stuff. You might think to yourself that it has been a long time since you have watched it and you should give it a chance. Please don’t.
5. Reindeer Games – I hate to do this as I try to always be fair and unbiased. In this case, I am not able to uphold to those standards. Was it a good movie? Yes. Had Bruce Willis played the lead character would it be in the top 20? Yes. Ben Affleck is all I need to say.
6. Everything on the Hallmark Channel.  All of it.  Don’t.  If that channel is on, leave the room.  Go build something out of wood or add 1000 lights to the decorations in the yard or hunt bears or drink every drop of bourbon in the liquor cabinet.  You have been warned.

APPROVED WITH FEMALE GUIDANCE (Must be at least 1 female for every male in the viewing party)

1. Sound Of Music – I am not sure why this is widely considered to be a Christmas movie, but we shall climb every mountain and sail every sea to give you as complete a list as possible. As a man, it is approved to watch The Sound Of Music as long as there is at least one female for every male in the viewing party. In certain cases, it is even permissible to sing along, but never when alone or in a group where there are no females. Dancing while singing shall never be acceptable regardless of the gender of those watching with you.  There’s a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall. So long, farewell we must move on.
2. While You Were Sleeping – It’s a movie about a psychopath who essentially kidnaps a man with no memory of his past and women still think it’s good.  Remember that when you watch it with your significant other and she thinks it’s romantic.  You’re either married to or dating a potential criminal.  She probably also sings along to that psychotic Carrie Underwood song Before he Cheats.
3. Eyes Wide Shut – Guys already understand and would likely want this to be kept a secret. Ladies, just trust me. You can’t let him watch this alone. Make sure you watch with him. You’re welcome, guys.
4. Edward Scissorhands –  Winona Rider is nearly always acceptable to watch, as is Johnny Depp, and nearly everything Tim Burton has created. Edward Scissorhands, however, must be placed in the approved with FGC because of the nature of the love story itself. Any story that ends with a girl dancing in the snow to loving music necessitates female companionship. This is just strict man law and must never be abridged.
5. It’s a Wonderful Life – If we didn’t add this one we would likely get hate mail.  Yes, it’s a movie, and yes it’s on every year.  We’re tired of it and so is everyone who isn’t Buddy the Elf.

APPROVED TO WATCH UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES (In no particular order. Also everyone knows “Better Off Dead” is the top Christmas movie in existence anyway)

1. Better Off Dead – The absolute best of the best of Christmas movies (or movies with Christmas in them) If you have not watched it you absolutely suck. If you have you know what I’m talking about. The K-12. Gee, Ricky, I’m sorry your mom blew up. Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is? Two dollars!  And of course, Ricky Smiths testicles (err tentacles). It’s a no-brainer. If you have not watched it before, do so now. Drop everything you are doing and find the full movie on Youtube. If you have watched it before I am sure the mere mention of the movie has already pushed you into youtube. Happy viewing.
2. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – This movie is great because you may be able to convince your significant other that it’s a love story. It’s not, at least not really. She won’t hate it and you won’t long for the sweet release of death like you absolutely will with most of the above category.  You may even find a new holiday staple.
3. Ghost Busters 2 – Bill F’N Murry.  Not much else great about it.
4. A Christmas Story – The best family version of a Christmas movie because it pokes fun at the whole thing through the eyes of a kid.  Who are we kidding, you know all this if you bothered to read this list.
5. Die Hard – How do we even begin to discuss the brilliance that is Diehard? Bruce Willis was amazing of course, but the portrayal of Hans Gruber by (Hogwarts own) Allen Rickman should be the guidebook by which any wannabe main antagonist in a Christmas movie should go. Somehow in 1988, the best ‘supporting actor’ award went to Sean Connery for The Untouchables. I think it is about time we demand a recount, how about you?
6. First Blood – Sylvester Stallone blew up everything in such a Christmasy way. Ok, maybe it wasn’t very “Christmasy,” but there were Christmas lights hung up everywhere and the movie was very upfront about it being Christmas time so I say we go with it. Sly was a total dick to police and the ‘lone drifter with over the top war skills’ narrative sold in the 80’s. It still seems to sell today. It’s worth another watch, just don’t get drawn into watching part 2, or 3, or 4 (How many of these things did they make?). Only First Blood involved Christmas and is the only movie in the series that is worth watching.
7. Jingle all the Way – Arnold was good, but the late Phil Hartman’s prowess as the neighborhood Wilt Chamberlain was award worthy for sure (Do Christmas movies ever earn awards?). Either way, Jingle All The Way is an easy fit into the top 20 acceptable Xmas movies for guys. Sinbad was outstanding in a Christmasy antagonist kind of way, and Martin Mull nearly got all blown up.
8. Bad Santa – If you hate Christmas as much as Horus does, this may be the only acceptable Christmas movie on the list.  You will laugh and your female companion will be disgusted.
9. Elf – Will Ferrell, James Caan, and Bob Newhart make an outstanding cast. Zooey Deschanel shower scene. Game, Set, Match!
10. Grumpy Old Men – Christmas is not Christmas if I don’t watch this at least once in the month of December. I forget how long ago the 80’s were sometimes so many of you reading this may not have ever watched Grumpy old men. “Do me a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow”. “Looks like Chuck’s taking the old skin boat to Tunatown”. Burgess Meredith, we miss you!
11. Gremlins – this one is also pretty easy. It walked the fine line between comedy and horror and did so under the Christmas genre. Little green monsters getting destroyed in a blender, another in a microwave. Gizmo was truly a Peltzer Pal.
12. Fred Claus – One of Two Christmas movie on this list starring Vince Vaughn. Also in this movie are Paul Giamatti, Kevin Spacey, and Luda! This is also the only Christmas movie on this list during which men are permitted to cry. That snow globe scene where “Silent Night” is sung by Sinead O’Connor gets you right in the heart (especially when Slam gets his family) tears on my keyboard. forgive me.
13. Christmas Vacation – Life was good when Chevy Chase was relevant. Raise your hand if you have ever called a family member Cousin Eddy during a Christmas party. If you did not raise your hand YOU are likely your family’s Cousin Eddy. Same thing with Aunt Bethany. Don’t even pretend you have not called a Grandma or an old Aunt ‘Bethany.’ We know you have. In closing, “We are gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fucking Kaye (Not on the approved list – see above), and when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down the chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”
14. Harry Potter And The Sorcerers Stone – Not a whole lot of Christmas here, but Harry did open presents, Hogwarts did go on Christmas break, and Allen Rickman…
15. Rocky 4 – I know what you are thinking, This is not a Christmas movie, right? the fight took place on Christmas day and that’s good enough for me. Dolph Lungren was a Christmas beast and Sly was Sly.
16. Lethal Weapon – There are only a few Christmas scenes in the whole movie but it is right up there with Diehard and First blood amongst Christmas action movies. Mel Gibson before he was a douche, Danny Glover WAS NOT too old for this shit, drugs from the decade where cocaine was cool, and tits. Everything you need for a happy holiday.
17. Die Hard 2 – See Diehard 1. Same thing with jet planes. Also Bruce Willis.
18. Scrooged –

    

    4 ghosts, Bobcat Goldthwait, and Bill Fucking Murry! Nothing says Men approved Christmas movie like Bill Fucking Murry. Ladies you will likely never understand but as men, Bill Fucking Murry is as good as it gets. that’s why his middle name is Fucking!

19. Batman Returns – It may not be a great movie, but at the very least there is Batman.
20. Trading Places – Eddie Murphy’s only movie on the Christmas list and likely his best performance in a comedy. Dan Akroyd the same. And Jamie Lee Curtis’s rack (from before she needed yogurt to shit). throw in 5 minutes of Jim Belushi and you have an absolute Man approved Christmas movie.
21. Four Christmases – The other one of two Vince Vaughn Christmas movies on the list. Vince is enough to make this movie man approved (even though Reese Witherspoon is in it), but the job done by Jon Favreau catapults it amongst the 21 best man approved Christmas movies of all time. Just enough Christmas hijinx and shenanigans to make it a must see every year.

Now for Christmas movies that we just can’t figure out…

• Santa Claus Conquers The Martians – I must be honest, I have never watched this movie but I fully intend to. What in the world was going on in the 1960’s that produced this kind of movie? I love Martians, and I love the thought of Santa Claus conquering things so as long as Ben Affleck is not in this movie it is top 20 by title alone. Have any of you watched this? It is available on Youtube. let me know in the comments if you have seen it, and what you thought about it.  It’s probably best on your favorite illegal drug.
• Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny – We found a copy of this for online viewing.  Watch it here.  The IMDB writeup says, “When Santa’s sleigh gets stuck in Florida, he tells a group of kids the story of Thumbelina.”  Probably requires a combination of alcohol and medical marijuana.
• Black Christmas – This is one of the first, if not the first, slasher flicks.  Maybe don’t watch it with the kids in the room unless you really don’t care about them.
• Rare Exports – This is among the weirdest movies ever made.  It will probably freak you out.  It’s like nothing else I’ve ever seen.
• Silent Night, Deadly Night – Back in the 80’s, parent’s groups didn’t want this movie seen.  It, like the above Rare Exports, depicts Santa as a cold-blooded killer.  That makes it weird.
• Christmas Evil – Since John Waters loves it, you can bet it’s weird.  A kid sees his mom banging Santa and goes nuts (wouldn’t you?).  To cope, he turns to murdering those he guesses are on the naughty list.
• Magic Christmas Tree – Whoever wrote this did it under the influence of some powerful hallucinogens.  There are talking trees who cast spells, sentient lawnmowers who hate turtles, witches, and a cat named Lucifer which I suppose isn’t all that weird.

Good luck with this mess.  We hope you find something everyone can enjoy that doesn’t result in the instant revocation of your man card.

Specifically omitted:  A Christmas Carol.  There are like 2,000 versions and they all suck.  Even the Disney ones.  If you want to get the good parts of it, watch the fight scene in Lethal Weapon.  Joshua (AKA the sane Gary Busey) shoots the TV at exactly the right moment to avoid the rest of that mess.

Important update – I just watched “Santa Claus Conquers The Martians”  and now believe it should be in the “Watch with drugs” category. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.