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Tag Archives: violence

In Effort to Prevent Future Beatings, United Airlines Implements Passenger Safewords

In Effort to Prevent Future Beatings, United Airlines Implements Passenger Safewords 1 vote / 5 Stars CHICAGO, IL – Embattled United Airlines announced today that it would make changes to passenger boarding procedures to prevent future beatings.  The airline, as most people are currently aware, recently dragged a passenger off an overbooked flight after a severe beating.  Rather than force their employees to deplane and find other accommodations, the airline opted to deplane a paying passenger by any means necessary.  Apparently, those necessary means involved police, a beating, dragging, and medical issues. The airline has been tight-lipped during the freefall its stock has undergone since the incident.  They’ve finally announced that they have every intention of rectifying the situation the ...

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Riots in Punxsutawney as Anti-Winter Activists Reject Phil’s Prediction

Riots in Punxsutawney as Anti-Winter Activists Reject Phil’s Prediction 2 votes / 5 Stars Winter is not a popular season, especially in the north.  Most people just want it to end which is why Groundhog’s Day hold hope for many.  This year, however, the rodent celebrity of  Punxsutawney, PA had other things in mind.  At roughly 7:25 AM on the 2nd of February, Phil, or Punxsutawney Phil as he is better known to the world, predicted six more weeks of winter.  Reactions were mixed, but it would seem that anger sometimes takes a while to reach a full boil. This year has been an emotional one already, with half the country upset over the presidential election results.  Among the rest is ...

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International Peace Conference Ends in Fisticuffs, Violence, and Bloodshed

International Peace Conference Ends in Fisticuffs, Violence, and Bloodshed 3 votes / 5 Stars NEW YORK, New York – Three men were arrested and 2 others were treated at a local hospital following a brawl at the 2016 International Peace conference. According to reports, the police were called by a witness after factions from two rival peace groups began battling about the best course for lasting peace.  Jerry Grey’s Peace and Love Coalition (PLC) has a following that believes strongly in the theory that peace is earned by being proactive. Tom McKracken’s Union for Lasting Peace (ULP) believes just the opposite. ULP members believe that peace can only be achieved by being reactive. Tom and Jerry have been arguing forever. ...

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Girl Scout Cookie Turf Wars Escalate to Horrific Violence

Girl Scout Cookie Turf Wars Escalate to Horrific Violence 6 votes / 4.83 Stars CHICAGO, Illinois – Chicago is notorious for its street gangs and the violence they bring, but when that violence spills over into normally peaceful areas of life the rest of the world takes notice.  Recently several troops of Girl Scouts have taken a page from the gang’s book of business and have begun escalating the cookie turf war to new heights of violence. Everyone loves Girl Scout Cookies and as such, the first scout to find the prospective cookie buyer gets the sale.  As a result, the territory with the most prospective buyers is usually controlled by the toughest troops.  Troop 357, also known by the ...

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Cartoon Violence on Our Streets

Cartoon Violence on Our Streets 8 votes / 5 Stars This cartoon violence has gotten so out of hand, we really don’t have any words for it.   +90

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Syria Set to Block American Refugees, ‘Followers of Jesus’

Syria Set to Block American Refugees, ‘Followers of Jesus’ 3 votes / 5 Stars DAMASCUS, Syria – The Assad regime, embattled, but still in power, has released a new set of immigration guidelines. Based on recommendations from Syria’s deputy assistant to the chairman of the ministry of defense, Ahyheed Symaheed, Syria will begin denying American citizens the ability to enter their nation under declaration of refugee status. According to Symaheed all Americans create an unsafe environment for naturally born Syrians. Americans are only coming here to kill in the name of Jesus. They sneak into our nieghborhoods and attack our people while demanding money. Infidels must be stopped. Although there are no actual reports of any Americans entering Syria as refugees, ...

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Scientists Recommend Easing Back Into Work After Holidays

Scientists Recommend Easing Back Into Work After Holidays 5 votes / 5 Stars No one likes work.  Even those people who tell you they love what they do.  They hate work more than the rest of us, they’ve just deluded themselves into believing that they don’t.  Those people also like boy bands, have tattoos of cartoon characters, respond to penis enlargement emails, and probably still drink wine coolers.  People especially hate returning to work after a holiday break or a vacation.  Now scientists believe jumping back in after a break is harmful to your health.  Dr. Lucy Rogers, behavioral psychologist at the University of Washington Social and Behavioral institute weighed in on the subject. Work stress is like a spring.  It ...

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Please Don’t Make Her Assume Her Ultimate Form

Please Don’t Make Her Assume Her Ultimate Form 3 votes / 5 Stars     +30

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Red lights for anti-gun solidarity

Red lights for anti-gun solidarity 177 votes / 2.06 Stars A new trend is sweeping the nation. It’s called “red lighting”. Activists are changing their normal white porch light bulbs with special red bulbs letting the world know This is a gun free home. According to Jane Seymore who is the director of operations for the Department of Protecting Everyone (DOPE) we will soon see millions of homes adorned with red bulbs. It is clear to me that everyone is lookimg for a safer enviroment to raise their children. A gun free safe home is everything America is supposed to be. – Seymore So far many of America’s largest retailers have been selling out of the red bulbs quickly. “We ...

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War On Christmas Casualties Projected in the Thousands This Year

War On Christmas Casualties Projected in the Thousands This Year 6 votes / 5 Stars The ever-growing war on Christmas is projected to claim thousands of lives this year.  The US Department of Homeland Security is warning Christmas revelers to avoid major cities with significant atheist populations.  The more militant atheist factions, such as The Godless Heathens, The People’s Atheist Front of Austin, and Militant Atheist Liberation Front have vowed that Christmas this year would be a bloody reminder that not everyone is a Christian. The first step is the red coffee cups at Starbucks.  The next step is booby trapping all of the nativity scenes in the greater Austin, TX area.  The AFA is through using the courts to do ...

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