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Tag Archives: safety

Clown sightings on the rise. Wookies to the rescue?

Clown sightings on the rise. Wookies to the rescue? 5 votes / 5 Stars PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – If you have been paying attention to the news at all in the last couple of weeks I am sure you have heard stories from across the nation of grown men, dressed as clowns, bothering and threatening children. We are not sure how this became an epidemic but this activity has sparked outrage and fear from Maine to California. Police agencies, already taxed by crime and terror, lack the additional resources needed to properly investigate each new case of clown tomfoolery. In comes Archie Alflin and his team of upstart clown investigators. “Our kids are in danger and It’s time for us to ...

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Homeland Security: We Can Only Afford to Protect 45 States

Homeland Security: We Can Only Afford to Protect 45 States 4 votes / 5 Stars WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unexpected, and stunning announcement from the DHS (Department of Homeland Security) undersecretary to the deputy chief of the Vice President, Timothy Hillsrom, we have learned that the department is so underfunded that drastic steps are being taken at this moment that will change all American’s level of safety.  Current 2016 funding levels limit DHS’s ability to protect the entire nation. In fact, we are getting word that in fiscal year 2017 only 45 of the 50 states in the union will fall under DHS protection.  And that change completely ignores protectorates like Puerto Rico. The announcement, which will certainly induce ...

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Local Union : Fires are dangerous. Call us when it’s out.

Local Union : Fires are dangerous. Call us when it’s out. 5 votes / 3.8 Stars Palo Alto, California – The month-long clash between the citizens and unions in Palo Alto, California is finally over and it is clear the unions have won. Safety is, indeed, paramount in the new agreement but some citizens are suggesting that the cities firefighters are no longer allowed to fight fires. My house was burning down and the firefighters all just stood around doing nothing. I tried to get them to do something but they said their contract says fire is too hot to go near. – Sid Boyer (resident) The firefighters were actually correct in their interpretation of the contract. Article 3 clause ...

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North Carolina: Screw it, You Can All Wear Diapers

North Carolina: Screw it, You Can All Wear Diapers 11 votes / 4.91 Stars DURHAM, North Carolina – News out of North Carolina has been tumultuous over the last week, to say the least. Governor Pat McCrory (R) has had his hands full attempting to pacify a large segment of his state’s residents against the changing tides of inclusive laws and rights organizations setting their sights on the Tarheel state. According to reports inside his circle, big changes are coming in the way everyday citizens can live their lives. He has had enough. He stood up and said screw it, everyone can wear diapers. We laughed for a minute but as we thought about it we realized it might be ...

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Ohio Man Celebrates 480 Months Heroin-Free

Ohio Man Celebrates 480 Months Heroin-Free 6 votes / 5 Stars YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio –  Perseverant, indefatigable, resolute. One man stands as a testament to the power of the soul over addiction and adds another slash to the wall of persistence. Julio Brown May look like an ordinary Youngstown, Ohio resident but you can’t judge a book by its cover. On March 11 of this year, Julio set a new personal milestone in his life by hitting his 480th-month being heroin free. It get’s harder everyday. This is no picnic. Nobody pats me on the back for this but I do it for me. It would be easy for me to fall off the wagon. Maybe then people would pay more ...

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Girl Scout Cookie Turf Wars Escalate to Horrific Violence

Girl Scout Cookie Turf Wars Escalate to Horrific Violence 6 votes / 4.83 Stars CHICAGO, Illinois – Chicago is notorious for its street gangs and the violence they bring, but when that violence spills over into normally peaceful areas of life the rest of the world takes notice.  Recently several troops of Girl Scouts have taken a page from the gang’s book of business and have begun escalating the cookie turf war to new heights of violence. Everyone loves Girl Scout Cookies and as such, the first scout to find the prospective cookie buyer gets the sale.  As a result, the territory with the most prospective buyers is usually controlled by the toughest troops.  Troop 357, also known by the ...

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List of Muslims who have condemned the Orlando terrorist attacks.

List of Muslims who have condemned the Orlando terrorist attacks. 4 votes / 5 Stars     The following is a list of the brave Muslims who have condemned the attacks in Orlando.     End of list.   +220

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Company Seeks to Challenge (to the Death) People Who Overuse ‘Literally’

Company Seeks to Challenge (to the Death) People Who Overuse ‘Literally’ 6 votes / 5 Stars SEATTLE, Washington – Perhaps the most often uttered, and completely idiotic, phrase in the United States is, “I’d literally kill for a cup of coffee.”  It’s heard so often in Seattle that one startup is seeking to challenge those who say it.  Seattle has two things in droves; coffee shops and suicidal people.  So what’s the plan? The Seattle-based startup, Grammatik Macht Frei, has a list of suicidal people who get paid to sit in coffee shops in downtown Seattle.  They are there to challenge those who say they’d ‘literally’ kill for a cup of coffee to a deathmatch.  The deathmatch, according to the company’s ...

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Parkour is not Necessarily the Best Exercise

Parkour is not Necessarily the Best Exercise 3 votes / 5 Stars When you chose an exercise program. make sure you think about the possibility of really screwing it up.  I’ll bet that hurt… +50

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Cartoon Violence on Our Streets

Cartoon Violence on Our Streets 8 votes / 5 Stars This cartoon violence has gotten so out of hand, we really don’t have any words for it.   +90

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