Surviving Alien Abduction 2016

Every passing year brings with it more tales of abduction and horrors orchestrated by our visitors from above. From simple sightings to full horrifying physical examinations our helplessness as compared to our spacely counterparts has been written and talked about since man first had the ability to think and chronicle his experiences. Recently several abduction victims have unlocked the secrets of surviving these experiences and turning the tables on these out of this world aggressors. For obvious reasons these brave sources names have been changed to protect their privacy (except for Albert Schmalzeried because screw Albert Scmalzeried). We have used their experience and insight to create this list and we all owe each of these victims a sincere debt of gratitude.

The most severe and painful experiment these aliens conduct is the anal probe. This has been documented in various movies and books. There is no scientific reason for our otherworldly brothers to perform this experiment. It is done mostly to be sure the victim is aware who is in charge. According to our sources, a simple forced bowel movement is the best way to keep the Greys away.

When one of those bastards came at me with that butt probe thing my instincts told me to clench up and let her fly. It was really difficult considering the fact that they had me frozen in place. The Doctor or whatever he was looked real disappointed. He had to call in some of the other aliens to clean it up and they were not happy. They put a sign above my bed. I have no idea what it said but I figure it was telling everyone to stay away from my money maker. From that moment on I was left alone. Soon I woke up in my own bed with a bag (neatly folded) of my own excrement sitting beside me. I considered this a win. – Albert Scmalzeried

As more evidence comes to light from many other sources it does appear that these aliens find human excrement just as disgusting as we do. This seems to be the key to restraining these foreign scientists from going ‘backstreet.’

Another of the favorite experiments conducted in these alien craft includes the harvesting of eggs and sperm from the victims. Many have suggested that this is done to create a race of earthly looking beings on their own planet who will someday try to assimilate themselves into our earthly societies. There is a way to prevent these kinds of experiments but you must be able to act proficiently as if you were a Hollywood actor.

This creepy asshole started pulling on my junk while holding a jar beside it. I tried to fight but my arms were restrained. I shouted and screamed at the little bastard but he only seemed to enjoy that more. I decided to try something else. I started moaning and begging for more. I called the little fellow sexy and begged DONT STOP! DONT STOP! This confused him for a moment but soon he started acting really awkward. I think he was embarrassed once he realized I was into it. He grabbed some gloves and attempted to continue but it did not work. He finally gave up when I offered him $50 to get the deed done. I could see the other aliens around him start to tease and make fun of him. He finally left with his head hung down. This was a victory for me and all of mankind. Afterwards I could tell none of the aliens liked me. They would not even come near me at all. At the snap of a finger I was back in my bed. I was still frozen for the first minute or two but noticed one of the grey creatures peeking at me through my slightly opened bedroom door. He did not speak verbally but I believe telepathically he sent me a message before a great bolt of light appeared and he was whisked away. I didn’t catch all of it but I believe it ended with ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that’. – Jimmy

It seems as if our visitors can’t be rationalized with but we do have the ability to manipulate them by making them feel awkward or giving them the realization that they are simply doing wrong. Our next anonymous source took it even one step further.

They placed me on the bed and this little guy started towards me with a needle. He was coming right for my eye. My yells of NO and STOP did no good whatsoever. Then I smartened up. I told that tiny Doctor that he would not be doing this if I was white. He paused and thought for a moment. He looked me over and then sighed as if all of his air rushed out of his miniature body. He let out a loud scream like a siren and soon the room was full of other little aliens. The doctor waved his finger at me while speaking to the abductors. His head shook and bounced violently. His assistants all held their heads low in an apologetic fashion.  The door opened and in walked a black alien. He said we were in a delicate situation and the perception of his species was vital. At that moment I was thrust through the light back into my waiting bed. On my wall in bright green fluorescent writing was a last message from my captors. It read #BlackLivesMatter. I have not been abducted since. – Tyrone

Stories abound from this new generation of Earthlings being able to escape the horrors of Abduction. One young girl escaped the serum that the Aliens use to incapacitate us by claiming she was Lactose intolerant and on a gluten-free diet.  Another potential victim threatened to contact an attorney if she was not let go immediately. Many more have been whisked away to an unknown planet as they have claimed political asylum from their home countries. One Islamic abductee had to be given several times per day to pray and a special diet consisting of Halal approved foods and beverages. Special diets are also demanded by Earth’s vegans and vegetarians.

It appears as if these beings are now playing a game they cannot win. They used to run roughshod over a planet that they controlled. Now they have stepped into a world where political correctness leads the way. It is almost not even worth conducting their experiments here any longer. Keep up the great work Earth. Your P.C. policies are finally doing some good.