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As Halloween quickly approaches, it’s important that we all learn a little bit about supernatural safety.  We have put together a partial list of safety tips and crisis points concerning ghosts and apparitions for those of you struggling to come to terms with your hauntings.

  1. No matter what you may have heard no ghost will ever take a chance on killing you. The one advantage they have over you is the fact that they’re a supernatural being and you’re not. They (Spirits) know that killing you will only cause you to become a spirit too and you will likely be angry with them for killing you. Imagine spending eternity being nagged by someone you killed. Eternity is a long time. “Hey, remember that time you killed me? That was kinda shitty, yes?
  2. Ghosts do not like to be told to go to the light (especially those who died after the release of the film  Poltergeist). They have a much better understanding of the light, and what it does, than you do. Some Ghosts feel disrespected when you assume you know better than they do.
  3. Ghosts really do not like people. They watch every disgusting thing you do and quickly begin to loath the living. After seeing you at your worst they have little interest in interacting with you. 99% of ghosts will never let you know they are around.
  4. If you can kick your ghost, it's not a ghost.
    If you can kick your ghost, it’s not a ghost.

    Tripping over something in the middle of the night or stubbing your toe on the way to the bathroom may be some sinister fun conjured up by some sarcastic jackass spirit. Don’t always assume it was your kids. Spirits use obstructions (usually small lego pieces) to cause injury and likely to evoke laughter from the other spirits hanging around your neighborhood. They love when you get angry and swear thus will certainly increase the frequency of your slips, trips, and falls. Just tip your cap to a job well done and hope the experience was boring enough that they will move on to the next guy.

  5. The time line for ghosts is not linear. If you are really being harassed on a constant basis by a spirit it is likely you are being haunted by yourself or your spouse. You will understand this one better once you are dead.
  6. Being a liberal male makes you 50 times more likely to have a haunting episode due to lack of reasoning, massively increased gullibility, and the inability to satisfy a women sexually. This allows the spirit to also easily corrupt the women in the household and is the basis of Incubus hauntings.
  7. Some ghosts are not of humans, but of your dead pets and animals you’ve killed with your car.  This could be very bad news for hunters or exterminators. They very rarely hurt you by anything other than small scratch marks but their ghost fleas are impossible to get rid of.
  8. You can often tell the race of ghosts by what kinds of music or television they prefer.  For instance, if you constantly find your TV tuned to Telemundo, odds are you have a Hispanic ghost.  This fact would go unnoticed in a Hispanic household, for the most part.
  9. When your ghost is drunk, expect random and slurred hauntings.  Many ghosts drink when you’re not looking, then fill the liquor bottles with water to confuse you.
  10. Ghosts love to have fun and nothing is more fun than freaking you out. They love possessing bodies during excorsisms, making fun of you while you shower, and making Zack Bagans scream OH MY GOD! Seriously though, when a ghost is trying to talk to you don’t interupt them Zack.
The spirit of a winner
The spirit of a winner

We hope these ghost facts help you deal with your hauntings.  Remember that ghosts are generally either just out for a laugh, or they’re just bad roommates.  If you laugh with them, you can drastically improve your ghost / person relationship.  They also love a game of Cards Against Humanity. This can be done through Ouija boards but it is a slow way of playing. Beware of shenanigans as ghosts tend to try to cheat by playing cards they never drew. Also, they’re racists.  All of them. Racists!



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