4.7/5 - (10 votes)

IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY – Oh where to begin? I may, or may not have spoilers here. Not really sure as this is less an article as it is an (off the top of my head) condemnation of “The Last Jedi” as a movie, and moreover, the destroyer of entire Star Wars saga.

What is this thing?

For months, ok honestly years, I have been reading theories in my nerdery from all of the world regarding the plot and supposed happenings in the “Last Jedi” from insiders with top secret knowledge of the project. Every last crazy made up spoof I have read was far superior to the garbage that ended up on the innocent undeserving screen. From the opening (WTF was that) comedy skit between Poe Dameron and General Hux to some random kid about to save the galaxy with a broom handle cliche DING! (I love Cinema sins) I never found a way to remove the disgusted look off of my formerly optimistic face.

J.J. Abrams did a masterful job with “The Force Awakens”. He set Rian Johnson up like no director has ever been set up in the history of any galaxy (near, or far, far away). He couldn’t miss. Well, not only did he miss but he may have blown up the whole franchise.

I can forgive the death of Han Solo. I can forgive the death of Luke Skywalker. I someday may live to forgive Rian Johnson for giving Princess Leah some odd invincibility/ flying through the vacuum of space power that no other being (Jedi, or Sith) in the entire galaxy ever had, but I will never forgive him for taking the Luke Skywalker character and destroying it in this film. When I heard Mark Hamill was displeased with the direction of Luke in this film I assumed it was an overreaction. Unfortunately, it turned out to be the total opposite. It was disheartening enough to see Luke turned into a crying, bellyaching coward, but then to double down on stupidity by making his act of betrayal the catalyst that turned Ben Solo to the dark side and created the first order was theatrical murder. There it is, the big reveal, the “I am your father” moment. Sigh……. I can’t talk about Luke anymore. I’m feeling depressed in a very scary way.

Such a waste

The two most talked about storylines coming out of “The Force Awakens” were, Who is Snoke, and who are Rey’s parents? In full disclosure, I must admit I perked up a little bit seeing Snoke unleash some of his seemingly awesome powers on Ren and Rey. I even started to say, Wow he is pretty badass when he…… WHAT? You did not just kill him! And you certainly did not just kill him in a total anticlimactic, and far too easy way. DUDE!! I was waiting for Stan and Kyle to pop out from behind the throne and quip, “You just killed Snoke”. “YOU BASTARDS”!  And for all of those great theories on who Rey’s parents are we were mightily cheated in a ‘this lacks creativity and vision’ kind of way. From being the reincarnation of Anikin to being the granddaughter of Palpatine, Rian Johnson found the absolute suckiest lineage he possibly could for a character that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I would have felt better if she was the daughter of Jar Jar Binks and Dexter Jettster. Dude, why? WTAF were you thinking?

Benicio Del Toro was in the movie. His agent, if he read the script, is an idiot. Also, see Laura Dern.

I’ll bet he gives great helmet

The relationship between Rey and Kylo Ren had 1,000 possibilities. 999 of them ranged from ok to outstanding. Rian Johnson chooses the one, out of the possible 1,000, that absolutely sucked bantha sack. He really had to screw this up on purpose. Does he actually hate Star Wars in a Kevin Spacey “Fred Clause” kind of way? Was this sabotage? It actually seemed through much of the story that something cool was linking them. It was set up perfectly for a shocking reveal of some kind that would make us all say “Ohhhhhhh”. Nah… let’ just explain their link in a totally stupid way

There are so many more things we can say about this abomination of a movie but time is far too limited. This movie sucked so bad it took every other movie in the franchise down a notch. The bloom is off the damn rose. Did I mention BB8 can fly a spaceship while shooting its cannons? I am sure I mentioned Princess Leah can fly, yes? And wouldn’t it have been better to leave Yoda out of this movie in lieu of the mockery they made of him?

My best advice to Disney would be to pull the movie immediately before anyone else sees it. Redo the whole damn thing and release it next year. This version can sit on YouTube with the “Star Wars Holiday Special” where it belongs.





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