SPRINGFIELD, Illinois – The Illinois state House of Representatives today introduced legislation that would make Illinois the first state in the union to take Daylight Savings Time and greatly accelerate it. According to Michael Madigan (D) (Speaker of the House), Illinois would like to set all clocks in the state ahead by 5 hours.
We, here in Illinoise, would like to make some changes that show we are serious about taking care of our citizens. This approach allows us to solve major problems with crime, global warming, and tourism. Imagine, if you will, giving the citizens of Illnoise 5 extra hours of daylight each and every day. We would surpass California and Florida in total daily sunshine. We would also limit crime. We have found that most offenses occur in the dark. If we have 5 more hours of sunshine we would eliminate 5 hours of crime. That will bring in tousists who used to be afraid to come here.
Representative Madigan also claims his plan will be great for the environment and help stave off global warming.
Our citizens will use far less electricity as 5 extra hours of daylight daily would remove 5 whole hours of lighting, and light bulb problems for residents. Also the additional hours of sun will make Illinoise warmer in the cold months which saves us millions of hours of expensive and environmentally unfriendly gas and electric heat sources.
Though this plan seems foolproof and covers so many obvious needs there are deserters. The State Republican party has begun a smear campaign against Mr. Madigan and his Democratic allies in the state house. Jim Durkin (R) who is the minority leader in the Illinois state house had this to say in opposition.
I can’t believe we are even considering this. This is not how any of this works. Setting the clock ahead 5 hours does not give you 5 extra hours of daylight. This is nonsense. I have to believe that the people of Illinoise are smarter than this.
Nobody is buying what you are selling Representative Durkin. We are all aware that Daylight Savings Time gives us an extra hour of sunlight every day and there is no reason to believe it can’t do that for 5 hours. The people of Illinois are smart and they see right through you.
Representative Durkin is just trying to muddy the waters. We will prevail on this and the people of Illinoise can begin enjoying their Utopia of sunshine. I can’t wait to visit the beaches of Illinois with my constituents. God bless Illinois.