5/5 - (4 votes)

CHICAGO, IL – Embattled United Airlines announced today that it would make changes to passenger boarding procedures to prevent future beatings.  The airline, as most people are currently aware, recently dragged a passenger off an overbooked flight after a severe beating.  Rather than force their employees to deplane and find other accommodations, the airline opted to deplane a paying passenger by any means necessary.  Apparently, those necessary means involved police, a beating, dragging, and medical issues.

Maybe next time don’t beat the hell out of a paying customer

The airline has been tight-lipped during the freefall its stock has undergone since the incident.  They’ve finally announced that they have every intention of rectifying the situation the way couples in the BD/SM (bondage, discipline/ sadomasochism) scene do.  Through the use of safewords.

The safeword is a word that would not ordinarily come up in sexual conversation, such as ‘chimpanzees,’ ‘flugelhorn,’ or ‘Chinese-Mexican schnitzel’ so that participants can still say the word ‘no’ or ‘stop’ without play stopping.  In this context, however, it’s not intended to stop a sexual practice but a passenger beating for refusing second-class citizenship.  A spokesman for United, Jeffery Lippman, gave us a comment on the new practice.

We want our passengers to know that when deplaning gets a little too rough, they have an out.  Just say the safeword on their boarding pass and we’ll select a different passenger to beat, deplane, and humiliate.  We think passengers, and more importantly, our shareholders will respond favorably to the new measure.  Please stop dumping our stock.  Please…

Let us know what you think of the new measures and whether or not they will make you want to fly the unfriendly skies again, or if you will choose a less violent airline like Southwest or Frontier.


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