It’s recently been revealed that certain apes and monkeys have achieved the feat of making and using stone tools. This occurs primarily only in places where stones are readily available such as the jungles of the Ivory Coast in Africa. That’s only half the story, however. Researchers at Yale University’s monkey lab have successfully taught capuchin monkeys how to use money. The monkeys, after learning how to use money, even trade their currency for sex.
Even more surprising, once the monkeys learn how to trade money for goods and services, a surprising trend emerges. They have figured out how to use the Internet to search for documentary films, primarily about their species. They use the footage as a crude kind of porn. Some of the capuchin monkeys have figured out how to use Mac OSX, and more than a few seem to understand HTML5. Still, fewer have mastered Final Cut, and have begun making short videos from the documentaries.
One group, in particular, is working with monkeys who seem intent on building the first subscription-based monkey porn site. Due to the fact that monkeys seem to understand currency and code, but not written language, they tend to register nonsense URLs. At present, it’s unclear if the URLs they register are meaningful to other primates, or simply keyboard mashing, but scientists believe there is a pattern to the names chosen.
Already, Congress has expressed interest in regulating this emerging market. Senator Ted Cruz believes that monkeys should not see other monkeys having sex, and wants to ban monkey porn.
This is a horrifying trend, and it’s bad enough that we allow that kind of thing on the Discovery Channel. Next thing you know, monkeys will be having sex right out in public.
Senator Cruz seems oblivious to the fact that monkeys already do that. It’s certain, however, that we will soon see history made with the first monkey porn site. It’s a matter of waiting for it to go live.