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ANTIOCH, Ohio – Researchers at the small animal and rodent research labs at Ohio University have recently released several years worth of research aimed at creating life-saving abilities for human beings through the study of cats and their 9 lives. More than $200 million has been invested by the federal government in an attempt to find what it is that gives a cat its 9 lives.  Also, how to extract this ability from the cats, and implant these abilities into human beings. The research is being overseen by Dr. Fillmore Coffers who is head of the institute.

The process is taking far longer than expected. We have chosen over 200 subjects and have killed them in every way imaginable. As of today not one of them has come back to life. We here at the institute are beginning to doubt the veracity of the belief that any cats have more than one life. – Dr. Coffers.

cat-with-arrowMany activists on campus have been spending their days protesting the methods being used to kill cats.

I don’t even think Dr. Coffers is a real doctor.  Why do he and his students dress in full length black robes to do their experiments? Using. chainsaws, microwaves, snow blowers, and clothes dryers seems to me excessive. – Cindy Evergreen student OU

Dr. Coffers assures us that the University backs his unorthodox methods in the name of research and the potential betterment of human life.

This is a university campus. This is a place where you can feel free to experiment in this way. So what if our methods are too ghastly for some of the students. So what if the neighbors keep complaining about their missing cats. So what if the prices have tripled at nearby Chinese buffets. This is science!

Many in the community have also complained about the way in which these experiments have been done.

These idiots were all dressed in robes on my front lawn trying to kill my cat with a weed whacker. They were screaming some crazy chant and my kids were horrified. When I tried to stop them they said they were there to do science. I just think they like to kill cats. – Tom Skeptic

Science breaks down the walls of conventional wisdom and discovery can be a violent act indeed. We all are very thankful that Dr. Coffers and his team are here to do the work the rest of us are unwilling to do in the name of science.

Stay safe my friends.


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