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DAMASCUS, Syria – The Assad regime, embattled, but still in power, has released a new set of immigration guidelines. Based on recommendations from Syria’s deputy assistant to the chairman of the ministry of defense, Ahyheed Symaheed, Syria will begin denying American citizens the ability to enter their nation under declaration of refugee status. According to Symaheed all Americans create an unsafe environment for naturally born Syrians.

Americans are only coming here to kill in the name of Jesus. They sneak into our nieghborhoods and attack our people while demanding money. Infidels must be stopped.

Jesus de Muerto
Jesus de Muerto

Although there are no actual reports of any Americans entering Syria as refugees, let alone killing anyone, the government and people in Syria demanded this legislation as they believe their lives are in danger.

Americans who follow the prophet Jesus only come here to kill. They kill, they go. That fast. My brother owed Jesus money. Jesus had his people threaten him with death. May Allah save us.

That's a big tattoo
That’s a big tattoo

It has been difficult for Syria to track down the American people they claim are causing so much trouble in their country. According to Syrian officials followers of the prophet Jesus can be identified by the following tattoo.

Officials are unsure what it means but it appears all followers of Jesus have it.  The Syrian Government has been in contact with Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump for assistance. Trump had the following to say,

I am going to build a wall all the way around Syria. It is going to be a great wall. Nobody builds walls like I do. It will be the greatest wall ever and Iran is going to pay for it.





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