5/5 - (6 votes)

SEATTLE, Washington – Perhaps the most often uttered, and completely idiotic, phrase in the United States is, “I’d literally kill for a cup of coffee.”  It’s heard so often in Seattle that one startup is seeking to challenge those who say it.  Seattle has two things in droves; coffee shops and suicidal people.  So what’s the plan?

Like the WWE, only deadly
Like the WWE, only deadly

The Seattle-based startup, Grammatik Macht Frei, has a list of suicidal people who get paid to sit in coffee shops in downtown Seattle.  They are there to challenge those who say they’d ‘literally’ kill for a cup of coffee to a deathmatch.  The deathmatch, according to the company’s by-laws, is limited to hand-to-hand combat only.  The employee is not allowed to use weapons, which is fine considering they’re suicidal.  The challenged is allowed to use whatever weapons are available at the coffee shop.  Mark Mendelsohn, VP of Marketing for GMF commented on the process and the plan.

We’re absolutely tired of people butchering the language, and decided that the best way to stop it is to force people to put their money where their mouths are.  We started with ‘literally’ because, apart from their, there, and they’re, it’s the most egregiously misused word in the language.

We asked him if he thought violence was the best way to solve this problem.  He said, “Absolutely.”

We’re taking the fight to the streets.  People need to learn that when they speak, they should be willing to back up that speech with action.  If they’re not, they need to suffer the consequences.  They either get killed, or have to live with killing someone.  We have tried everything else to get through to these imbeciles.

After the carnage
After the carnage

From a safety perspective, we see a lot wrong with GMF’s plan, though we completely empathize with their reasoning.  Coffee shops used to be places where educated people went to listen to jazz and write poetry.  Now they’re beset by average Joes drinking average joe.  We asked about the pilot program, and how they intended to measure success.

Our model is simple and relies on donations to pay for our suicidal fighter’s salaries.  Thus far, we’ve raised millions, primarily from retired and disgruntled English teachers and bloggers.  They’re surprisingly generous once they understand the plan.  If successful, we’ll take the program nationwide.  We’ll be successful once our algorythm shows a drop in inappropriate social media usage of the word ‘literally.’

The plan is to correct this societal idiocy and move on to the people who write ‘your an idiot.’  GMF is still formulating a plan as to how they’ll deal with that phrase, but they’re kicking around the notion of assigning those people a person with a mental disability for whom they’re legally responsible.

What about the public’s perception of the violence?

So far, people have just assumed it’s some kind of  interpretive dance show or a play that has really good actors and realistic blood splatter.  In fact, they have even thrown money into the hats of the deathmatch winners, and applauded after the fights.

It’s not safe, and we don’t recommend it.  We do, however, look forward to a day when people know how to speak the language they purport to speak.



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