NOME, Alaska – In the long contested race for the Democratic nomination for President, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fired, what looks to be, the final shot across the bow of Senator Bernie Sanders campaign. The much coveted and much-anticipated endorsement of the Lebian Left-Handed Albino Midget Eskimos. This endorsement ostensibly ends the Sanders campaign and catapults former Secretary Clinton into the inevitable position of Democratic nominee.
Hillary is the only candidate that understands my concerns. I am not contagious and she knows that. You will not become an Albino Lesbian Eskimo Midget just because I bite you. Grow up! She also stands with me to ask, why is it a crime to lower children into open manholes? – Sarah Jean, Founder of the Lesbian Left-handed Albino Midget Student Union
It’s long been known that when a Democrat sews up this endorsement, the race is all but over. Despite not actually visiting Alaska, she did address the Student Union via Skype, saying,
THE MOON IS FULL TONIGHT. I have heard you and I feel you. For far too long my Lesbian Albino Left-Handed Eskimo friends have had to live in the shadows. Well NO MORE! I am with you. I am one of you. In fact I can feel myself shrinking. I can feel myself getting left-handed. I can feel myself getting the urge to build an igloo! LET’S GO BUY SUZANNE VEGA ALBUMS! Oops, darn squeaky floors.
Even with this overwhelming support from their union president some members still fear a Clinton Regime and side with Sanders. The reasons why are somewhat troubling.
She did nothing about my enviromental concerns. I live out on route 13 and the local medical facility has been dumping their waste on my property. Because of her policies and lack of action I lost my China, my T.V., and my ’57 Chevy. My bladder problems are getting worse and the pork sausage they make over there has hairs growing all over it. -Earl (Editors note: Earl gave our intervewer a look that he claims he cannot forget to this very day)
Hillary is for the trailer park people. I don’t mind them but Trailer park people are lazy. They like their Mork and Mindy, their Coors beer, and have no idea what the queers are doing to the soil. Also Burrow Owls live in the ground. How can you call yourself an enviromentalist when you allow queers to ruin these owl’s homes? The best advice I can give voters is to make sure to keep your head and arms inside the mixer. Don’t be a daredevil. Do you want your trailer parks full of gay martians? Me neither. Feel the BERN with me. – Stuart
Still other Bernie Sanders supporters were upset, many of them complaining about how a Clinton Whitehouse meant they could no longer afford to feed their lizards, or buy fuel for their Camaros so that they can do charity work like taking mentally handicapped kids to the zoo. The only thing certain at this point is that it will be a tense race for the presidency between Clinton and Trump.