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NFL Set to Expand Sidelines to Accommodate Parole Officers

NFL Set to Expand Sidelines to Accommodate Parole Officers
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NEW YORK, New York –  The National Football League has announced an unprecedented on field expansion to accommodate the large number of parole supervisors who are required to attend games with their parolees. In a unanimous vote the owners have agreed to all previsions requested by the league to monitor the activities of its players.

It costs me several thousand dollars per game to put parole officers in the stands to watch their parolees on the field. – Jerry Jones – owner, Dallas Cowboys.

N.F.L. Jewelry

N.F.L. Jewelry

Coaches and players are always expected to remain between the 30 yard line markers. The parole officers will get a special area between the 20 yard line and end zone on each side of the field to monitor their clients. They (Parole officers) will still get into games at no charge but will no longer occupy seats that fans would ordinarily purchase.

Every time Ben [Roethlisberger] gets inside the 20 yard line and looks over to see his parole officer he will remember that 16 year old girls are a no no. There are no grey lines on a football field. Crimes will not happen here. – Dan Rooney – owner, Pittsburgh Steelers.

manzielOn any given Sunday there are more than 200 players actively monitored by parole officers, and that number is growing. It has become necessary for the NFL to give them a safe space to monitor their parolees while not costing the teams owners 10’s of thousands of dollars per week.

I don’t know why my parole officer needs to come to games. He knows I don’t drink anymore. I haven’t had a drink in 6 months. Well, 6 minutes….. never mind, it might be a good idea. – Johnny Manziel – Former QB, Cleveland Browns

Many fans have expressed their opinions as well.

This is the best idea ever. Now we wont have to worry about our Bears players not being able to play just because there was no room for their parole officer in the stadium. – Bob Schworski – Chicago Bears fan.

Getting front row seats to see my Raiders play has been tough with all these parole guys getting first dibs. Now that they are on the field I can get my seats back. I can also talk to some of the parole guys about handling my parole. Its a win-win – Carlos Valenzuela –  Oakland Raiders.

There are many parole officers who see this move as a boon.  Parole officers are notoriously underpaid, as are all social workers.  Due to changes in the way parole officers are assigned, they may now compete for new high paying clients.  This also means that players could be given better service.

Some people are calling this system bribery.  We prefer to call it ‘leniency rates.’  Many of the players are wealthy and we aren’t, so following them on the road is too expensive for us.  We’re actually less expensive than the bulk of their entourage – Kip Carson Parole – Board Supervisor, Chicago.

 

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