5/5 - (6 votes)

xray-lightbulbOnce in awhile, we run across a behavior so unsafe that we can’t properly process what we’re seeing.  This one is perhaps the worst.  Firstly, we understand that this is a mental illness, and we’ve had experience in that realm (and we’re properly medicated, we swear).  Polyembolokoilamania, however, is a bird of a different color.  This is a behavior so unsafe that we probably need to ban it and incarcerate everyone practicing it for their own good.

Polyembolokoilamania is a disease in which one inserts foreign objects in body orifices.  You heard that right.  People are inserting all manner of objects into any body orifice that catches their fancy.  In children, that usually means their ears.  We need to be clear about this and recommend slapping whatever a child is inserting into their ears straight out of their hands/ears immediately, but that’s the least of the problem.  No, we’re talking about the adults who insert things into absolutely unspeakable places, and for unspeakable reasons.

We were horrified to learn that there is an entire industry which manufactures items and devices for sufferers of this disorder to specifically insert into their rectums.  For instance, have you ever heard of the following items (definitions included to prevent the need to look them up)?

  • plugsButt plugs – literally a plug for your butt
  • Anal beads – a string of beads for inserting into the anus
  • Anal vibrators – we don’t really want to describe these
  • Anal douches – why are you making me write this?
  • Anal dildos – please, someone shoot me.  They don’t pay me enough for this.

This list is just the things manufactured for that purpose.  This doesn’t include the light bulbs, glass and plastic bottles, metallic objects, children’s toys, Twizzlers, vegetables and innocent lower life forms people insert, and often lose up there.  With human beings engaged in activities like this, we don’t hold much hope for the survival of the species.

We need to gather all of these people together and perhaps form a colony of them, separate and apart from people who don’t feel the urge to shove things into their body holes.  Our reasoning is simple.  We don’t know what causes the condition.  If this condition is caused by a virus or zombification fungus, we’re all at risk.  If it’s caused by genetic factors, we need to keep these people from breeding and infecting the general population with their faulty genes.  The logical question, given the previous statement, is, “Are you advocating eugenics and segregation?”




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