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Paying Attention During Sex: Avoiding Sexual Injuries

Paying Attention During Sex: Avoiding Sexual Injuries
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For whatever reason, hospitals are seeing a rise in sex related injuries.  From that weirdness we talked about earlier, to hip dislocations and contortion related injuries, it’s all getting worse.  While some of those in the medical profession attribute this rise to people’s comfort with a more adventurous sex life, we here at IS believe there is a simpler explanation.  Mindfulness…

Mindfulness is a term that is all the rage right now in esoteric as well as psychological circles, but what does it mean?  If you boil it down, it means paying attention.  I wonder why they even bothered to change the name, really.  I mean, what was wrong with paying attention?  That phrase always got the job done for me.  It seems like they keep changing the names of things for no real reason. I mean…  wait…  what was I talking about?  Oh, yeah…  Sex.

We’re surrounded by all manner of distractions in our every day lives, and it’s important to understand that distractions kill.  At no point is this more apparent than in the bedroom (or wherever you happen to get busy).  How many times have you found yourself in an intimate encounter with your significant other, or some local bar denizen, or a hooker, and the phone rings?  If you’re like me, it happens almost every time.  You answer it, but you don’t stop out of politeness, and BAM… penile fracture.  You weren’t paying attention.

It’s easy to get distracted.  My girlfriend often talks to her mother during sex and loses track of what she was doing.  This is especially troublesome when it comes time for a position change or when she loses track of a toy.  Not paying attention can lead to a lube mishap, and serious chafing.  That’s absolutely no fun.

Oral sex can be equally as dangerous.  There are choking hazards, the potential to have one’s head crushed by a particularly pleased female bodybuilder, and in some instances, drowning hazards.  Just because the movement is decreased doesn’t decrease the danger.  In the later case, not paying attention can lead to an awkward eulogy, where the person delivering it is force to use uncomfortable and explicit words that your grandmother may need to look up on Urban Dictionary.

The STD risk can’t be understated.  Nearly everyone willing to have sex with you has some STD.  I mean, have you seen these people?  If you’re not using the swab, you almost certainly have every STD under the sun.  Unless you pay very close attention to your partner’s history and habits, and wear DuPont™ Tyvek® coveralls, your future looks bleak.

kevlar-bullet-proof-vest1By far the most common sex related injury, however, is also the hardest to avoid.  Sometimes, your partner lies to you about things like their relationship status, and their significant other finds out.  This is also referred to as ‘getting shot’ or ‘having a cap busted in your ass.’  This one is often unavoidable, so we recommend wearing DuPont™ Kevlar® under or over your DuPont™ Tyvek® coveralls.  It’s genuinely the best way to stay safe.

Don’t become a statistic.  Pay attention in the sack.

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