Recently, and you don’t need to know how, I came across Dr. Ben Carson’s phone number. I decided a text message interview would be a good idea. After exchanging niceties and posing as a sexy, female college student (who had noods) writing a paper, he started answering questions. We got off the rails toward the end, so I just thanked him and sent him some random, topless, college-girl selfie. The power of fit, young, white chicks can be seen below.
IS – Brain surgeons are routinely hailed as some of the smartest people in the world. Are you trying to destroy this paradigm?
BC – Our earliest recollections comes from the book of Job in the Old Testament. We worked on locusts and wildebeests in those days. They were smart then and we are smarter now. We have clean water and automation so I am smarter than they were and they were pretty smart.
IS – So you believe all brain surgeons are smarter than the average person?
BC – Honestly, brain surgeons aren’t all that smart. There are only a couple parts of the brain you need to know anything about, and most of the time we just poke at it until it starts to work right or the patient dies. I was going to be a podiatrist. The foot has lots of bones and muscles, though, and that’s just too much to work with. Those guys are really smart.
IS – As a surgeon, what made you decide to take up politics?
BC – Politics? I don’t really want to be a politiker. Some people said, “Hey, Benny, you should be president.” I thought that being able to get rid of stupid holidays and make new ones would be fun. Also getting my face on money would be pretty cool. And really, letting Obama win a third term would be a disaster. I’m pretty sure I can beat him.
IS – Is that why you chose right-wing politics or was there some other reason?
BC – They already had a black guy on the Democrat side. I am not sure what the difference is between the two parties but I like to wear red ties too.
IS – As the Republican nominee, how do you think things will change for you?
BC – Well, I have been thinking about this. I will have to wear a suit every day. I am not sure if I like that. If I win I am told there are rooms in the white house where a suit and tie are required. I will probably also eat at more of these stupid dinners. They really just put a line of sauce on the plate, put a small piece of chicken on top, and then a piece of parsley. I don’t like those.
IS – George H.W. Bush banned broccoli in the white house. If elected, is there a food you’d ban or demand?
BC – I would ban cat food because if there is cat food there is bound to be cats. I like to eat fortune cookies and would probably have one every day. Each one gives you a lottery number and helps you learn one Chinese word. By the time my 4 years is up I will be fluent in Chinese.
IS – Speaking of China, how do you intend to handle diplomacy with the US’ largest creditor, especially in light of the military buildup in the Spratly Islands?
BC – I say that we ask for them to forgive what we owe or we will ban Chinese buffets here in America. I have been told that their economy is in dire need of our buffet dollars. Nobody else will admit this but it is their #1 export. Also, we can start building American restaurants there and serve American food like tacos and Swedish meatballs.
IS – Is that a method of imposing sanctions on China?
BC – No, I do not believe in sanctions. I am just trying to impose laws that will stop them from being able to make legitimate money selling their products.
IS – So, no sanctions, but laws that keep them from selling their products. Wouldn’t that be a form of sanction? Also, are you aware that buffets are usually run by, or at least employ, Hispanic immigrants?
BC – I am not supposed to talk about Hispanics or immigrants. I am told that those topics are off limits for me. Also, I am not sure YOU know what sanctions are. You are just coming off stupid now.
IS – You’ve suggested that Syrian Refugees are a Trojan Horse. Do you really believe that they’re coming here to become terrorists?
BC – No, what I mean is, each refugee, when opened up, is filled with hundreds of tiny terrorists. You don’t have to be a brain surgeon to understand the math. That’s 35,000 refugees with hundreds of terrorists inside them, so as they break apart, that’s millions of terrorists too tiny to see. You can’t fight an enemy you can’t see.
IS – So, how tiny are these little terrorist gremlins? What can we expect of them when they are freed from each Syrian?
BC – They are so small you can’t see them. Just be sure not to get them wet. They also eat ice cream and are probably homosexual.
IS – So, homosexual, ice-cream-loving gremlins that are inside every Syrian breakout and run amok. Is there anything else you’d like to add to the conversation?
BC – Those are your words, not mine
IS – Thanks for your time. You have fun in that presidential race thing you’re doing.
BC – You too…
And with that, the conversation ended. We certainly hope he’s not right about those gremlins. How scary would that be?