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As it turns out, making new year’s resolutions is a dangerous activity that leads many to a false sense of self-worth.  It’s simply unsafe to be sure of oneself because it only tends to last through the second week of the new year, leading to depression and binge drinking.  This being the case, it’s safest to simply maintain the status quo and keep being lazy and indecisive.

Don’t end up like Jim

It’s a well-known fact that gyms make the bulk of their money in December / January, and most gym injuries occur in the first week of January.  Joining a gym is a bad idea because weights are heavy and you obviously don’t know the proper form for lifting.  It’s also dangerous to stop drinking when you’ve spent your entire adult life in a drunken stupor or a hangover.  By abruptly stopping the consumption of alcohol, you send your liver into a state of shock which can cause it to die.  It’s, therefore, safest to continue drinking and avoid gyms and exercise altogether.

Other common new year’s resolutions are to be nicer and to attend church more often.  These are each dangerous for different reasons.  Being nice to people is an invitation for them to take advantage of you.  It’s therefore considerably better to continue to be an asshole.  As for attending church, there are thousands of gods; there is no guarantee you’ve chosen the right one.  Going to church is not only unsafe, it’s unsafe for all eternity.

Thinking about switching jobs this year?  Don’t.  No one is hiring, and the places that have available positions, are far worse than your dead-end job anyway.

The best advice we can give is to avoid new year’s resolutions and keep doing the safe, boring things you’ve always done.

Happy New Year.

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