Homeland Security: We Can Only Afford to Protect 45 States

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unexpected, and stunning announcement from the DHS (Department of Homeland Security) undersecretary to the deputy chief of the Vice President, Timothy Hillsrom, we have learned that the department is so underfunded that drastic steps are being taken at this moment that will change all American’s level of safety.  Current 2016 funding levels limit DHS’s ability to protect the entire nation. In fact, we are getting word that in fiscal year 2017 only 45 of the 50 states in the union will fall under DHS protection.  And that change completely ignores protectorates like Puerto Rico.

The announcement, which will certainly induce panic across the Nation, comes at a time when citizens are already feeling the pressure of the constant ‘high alert’ status.  According to Undersecretary Hillstrom, the five states not included in their funding include; Hawaii, Alaska, Texas, Wyoming, and Florida.

Honestly Hawaii, and Alaska are too hard to defend. I really doubt anyone considers Nome, Alaska a high priority target and if they (terrorists) want Hawaii they can have it.  I’ll need to find a new vacation spot but saving money on security is my job.

Most Americans find themselves more concerned with Texas, and Florida.

Half of the folks in southern Texas aren’t Americans anyway. We are looking to Mexico to do the best it can to protect their citizens. Northern Texas will actually be somewhat protected under our funding for Oklahoma. As far as Florida I think most Americans would agree that it is just a big mess. Maybe their citizens can defend themselves with hanging chads, and their overall weirdness. We’ve already lost the key’s anyway.

Wyoming quickly started a campaign which asks the Fed to either protect them with federal funding or allow them to secede from the union. Thousands of signatures have already been collected and could spark a major states rights debate, the likes of which we have not seen since the civil war.

We do not take this lightly. We will secede from the United States if this is not immediately rectified. The only other solution we can think of is giving up our state and joining Colorado. At least then we can start smoking weed, well…..legally I mean.

Citizens of Texas seem to not care at all.  They tend to be self-sufficient and like the world to know that.  They also have enough guns to choke a longhorn.  We asked Texas Native Eugene Gilbert what he thought of the lack of DHS funding and how it affected him.  He tapped his hip where his gun was hiding and said, “That’s all the homeland security I need.”

Sweet baby Jesus, we don’t want to be part of this country anyway. Shoot, maybe we will finally secede and let ya’ll try this without us. Maybe then we can finally protect our (Texas) souther boarder. Heck, I think I will worry more about our North, East, and West borders if this happens.