DAMASCUS Syria – The first ever Ms. Isis beauty pageant was hailed as the biggest event in Syria in decades and lived up to the hype. Hundreds of homes across the middle east tuned in to see their favorite beauty queens strut and pose in a competition for the ages. The lucky winner was set to receive the coveted golden burqa which can be worn triumphantly in any social situation. Little did anyone know the night would end in controversy and rage as a wardrobe malfunction sent the entire Muslim world into a rage.
The issue took place during the stone throwing competition. The front-runner, Shakina Iskhden, had just completed a near perfect set by hitting 9 of 10 infidel targets seemingly with ease. The crowd erupted with cheers and chants of ‘Allahu Ackbar’ until she walked off stage. In the rush of preparing for the upcoming laundry carrying competition, her burqa fell open exposing her face to the cameras. The grand network immediately cut to commercial but the damage was done.
The outrage in the Islamic world has been great and the backlash can be felt on every corner of the Earth. Fundamentalist have lined up swearing revenge on the pageant and Ms. Iskhden. Viewers and attendees were all aghast, saying things such as,
How can this happen? My children were watching. MY CHILDREN? –Housein MiCaragi
This is not the Syria of my forefathers. This woman has tainted my thoughts with lust, and that is why we must rape her. –Mohamed bin Malaku
Many women wished to comment but as per Sharia law no one on the scene cared about their opinions and each were lucky not to be condemned as they could have been considered guilty by association.
Miss Iskhden is scheduled to be raped in two weeks as a result of the wardrobe malfunction, as is the custom for women who tempt men by exposing skin. Despite her high scores, she was immediately disqualified from the competition for lewd and lascivious behavior, adultery, contributing to the decay of societal morals, and improper application of hijab. Her execution by stoning is scheduled for the Wednesday of the week following the scheduled rape. It will be televised on the same station which carried the pageant. Sponsors for the pageant and the subsequent execution include Hadji’s lamb Gyros, who make Allah’s chosen gyros and kebabs, and Mohammad’s Burqa Emporium which carries the largest selection of burqas in plus sizes for those more blessed by Allah himself.
Shazir Hussahni, who would have finished 2nd, has been named the winner of the pageant and received a grand celebration on the streets of Damascus. Wearing her golden burqa for the first time she waved to the crowd before her chaperone, Mohammad Hussein, forced her to stop. Mr. Hussein spoke briefly with the media following the celebration.
God is great and we thank him for making Shakina’s burqa open and exposing her as an infidel. All praise be to God for his great actions.
Miss Hussahni will compete at the Ms. Universe pageant in Las Vegas this summer. Due to her religious beliefs, all participants must now wear a full burqa as Sharia law demands. We reached Donald Trump, whose company (Trump Enterprises) is running the pageant, to ask if the burqa rule would be damaging to the competition.
It’s gonna be great. It will be the greatest pageant ever. You will be surprised at how great it’s going to be. I am here to make beauty pageants great again because I know how to do it and it’s gonna be great.