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It is maybe the biggest taboo in American culture. It is one of the fastest ways to become ostracized from the rest of society. Anyone who gets caught doing it is immediately marked as unfrindworthy. Now science shows that it is one of the healthiest things you can do for your body. It is nose picking and it is as necessary as taking a shower or brushing your teeth.

According to a recent study conducted by the Millhouse center for Ear, Nose, And Throat Care, Dr. P. Roboscus has concluded that the nose is the body’s natural filter.  It eliminates pathogens in the air by the use of tiny mucous coated hairs. His claim is that the process only works correctly when the hairs are free of debris. In a 4000 page study, Dr. Roboscus goes on to suggest that those who regularly pick their nose in public will live 6 years longer on average than non-pickers. The study is very controversial in academia with many professionals not ready to endorse Dr. Roboscus’s findings.

“He is a witch doctor.” Claimed one professor who wished to remain anonymous. “He is tricking you into a false sense of security by making you fall in love with the feel of a finger up your nose.  We should be focused on real issues like anthropogenic global warming, and how to retrieve gold from the end of rainbows”.

When reached for a statement Dr. Roboscus states that he had no time to discuss his work.  He did state that it’s far too important to take time off to speak with us. He also added, “I don’t care if you believe me, the data says I am correct.”  Dr. Roboscus has made no mention of the health implications of ingesting what is picked.

The research institute is privately funded and has asked us to let you know that many bumper stickers with ‘pro picking’ messages are available on their website. They include “Pick4health,” “Boogers are friends, my finger is a medical device,” and “I love a picker.”

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