Douchebaggery in the workplace is a dangerous condition. It leads to resentment and altercations, sometimes physical. There are myriad douchey things that one can do in an office environment. The decoration of a cubicle with Tamagotchis, hanging Nickleback posters, talking loudly on the phone to friends about weed enjoyed over the weekend, repeatedly referring to acquaintances as ‘bro,’ discussing one’s workout routine. These are all incredibly douchey, but perhaps nothing is worse than healthy people rubbing their healthiness in the faces of their co-workers who enjoy coffee and doughnuts.
Healthy people, while often chipper, are normally obnoxious douchebags. They tend to offer dietary advice no one asked for. They constantly attempt to get people to try the hideously disgusting concoction that they bought at Whole Foods for $12 a bottle, or worse yet, made themselves. Newsflash: it looks like cat pee with a little of the poo thrown in for effect. We’re talking about kombucha. Kombucha, for those who are not familiar, is a tea made by fermenting it through a really nasty mushroom. It’s basically made by taking something perfectly fine to drink (tea) and destroying it with something that would just as soon eat you. That’s just not safe.
For those of you who got to work with your GT bottles, and can’t seem to shut the hell up about how amazing it makes you feel to drink it, be warned that eventually a bacon-swilling, 300 lb, pre-diabetic co-worker is going to pound you into the carpet like a tent stake. We here at IS just thought you should know.