We’re not even sure how a rinky-dink outfit like us scored this interview. I think some confused staffer dropped us in the wrong pile. More likely than that, it wasn’t her, but some sound-alike with good talking points. Either way, we spoke to the political equivalent of… well… Hillary Clinton.
IS – Madam Secretary, Who is Ben Gazhi and why do we keep hearing his name?
HC – My girl should have told you that I wasn’t answering questions about that, but since she didn’t… does it even matter? I don’t know who he is, or why I spent all that time in front of congress talking about him, but I think he died in Iraq or something. Either way, we need to do more to protect our country’s women from white male privilege.
IS – Let’s get a little serious now. If you could eat lunch with any person living or dead who would it be and what would you order?
HC – Living or dead? That’s a tough one, but I’d probably go with Muriel Siebert. She was rich and since she worked on Wall Street, she’d probably make a donation to my campaign. As far as food, I’d have to order something that said I needed campaign money, so it would need to be classy but not too expensive. Probably some kind of non-smelly fish, or some endangered animal.
IS – According to recent reports you had conversations with President Obama on your private email server. What did the two of you discuss?
HC – I have no recollection of any discussions with any presidents, living or dead, on any servers. I don’t even know what a server is. This is another one of those questions my girl should have told you not to ask. It’s like you don’t even care about the rules.
IS – Let’s move on to some things democratic voters really want to know. Bernie Sanders is just an old white male pig, isn’t he?
HC – OK, let’s talk about Bernie Sanders. Bernie is a man who has somehow figured out the system and parts of it that I didn’t know existed. Were you aware that children can vote? I remember when I got fired… er… left the McGovern campaign. College in those days was not nearly as safe as it could be now. Women were treated very poorly in those days, and now they’re treated very poorly. The playing field is not level at all, and as a woman I’ve had to fight that bias all my life.
IS – Sour cream & onion or salt & vinegar?
HC – What’s most important is that we can all enjoy potato chips. Some people will tell you that salt and vinegar are terrible flavors, but this country was founded on the principle that anyone, no matter their age, race, sexual orientation, or gender can get whatever chips they want. But when republicans have their way, they’ll limit us to flavors like that. It’s a shame that we can’t eat the salty ones because of high blood pressure.
IS – Ok…fuck one, kill one, marry one. Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, and Kim Jong Un.
HC – Fuck Vladimir Putin, kill Donald Trump and marry Kim Jong Un.
IS – That’s an interesting answer. I’m curious as to why you’d choose those answers.
HC – Spur of the moment, but let me explain. Vlad has that thing that he does which drives women crazy. Donald Trump is a close friend of mine and most close friends get killed. Kim Jong Un has always been a source of inspiration for me, given how he has maintained the illusion that he’s a god despite all the evidence to the contrary. He’s probably better than me at making people believe things that aren’t true.
IS – You are running a campaign against a self professed socialist. Even though you are to the left of him on most issues you have complained about his socialist tendencies. Please explain.
HC – All this talk about who’s lefter or righter than whom is tedious. Sure Sanders is a socialist, but that’s just a label placed upon him by the conservatives who don’t think we should help those less fortunate. About the only time I’m left of Sanders is at the Whitehouse Correspondent’s dinner. Or was I right of him? I don’t recall…
IS – David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?
HC – Are they in congress, or are they foreign heads of state, or… ?
IS – Lets try a different way. If you could be a member of the Beatles which one would you be?
HC – I love the Beatles. They were not nearly as good as Jefferson Airplane, though. I met Grace Slick once while at a festival, but in those days to meet the talent you had to do things that maybe weren’t family friendly. I’ll have to show you the autographed jacket from that tour.
IS – If you do not like green eggs and ham what is your name?
HC – As Americans we’re all free to choose whether or not we like certain foods. When we say that we love or hate something it doesn’t mean we actually love it or hate it, it means we’ve formulated and opinion on that thing and it the opinion is either favorable or unfavorable based on our own personal tastes. When we decide, we’re basing our decision on our democracy, and the freedom it gives us to choose.
IS – So… your name is?
HC – Hillary Clinton, my girl should have already told you that.
IS – Closing question: If you were stranded on an island with one other person who would you choose O.J. Simpson, Ted Kaczynski, or Barack Obama?
HC – I’d have to say O.J. Simpson, because he’s a strong type, and capable of… Sorry, my girl tells me that I don’t have to answer that question because of time. I’m scheduled in Iowa for some kind of fundraiser.
That was the end of the interview. Her girl, we learned later, was fired. The firing was unrelated to the interview. Apparently Ms. Clinton kept getting tuna for lunch and she hates tuna.