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Bad Grammar Linked to Silly, Accidental Deaths

Bad Grammar Linked to Silly, Accidental Deaths 4 votes / 5 Stars ACCIDENT, Maryland- A recent study by the Life Insurance Actuarial Research Society in Accident, Maryland has shown a startling link between poor grammar and the type of death and injury that most people find hilarious.  In recently collected insurance industry statistics, most silly deaths and injuries were suffered by people who seldom use punctuation, or confuse ‘to,’ ‘too’ and ‘two.’  Life insurance actuarial scientists have begun to develop a more clear picture of how the new data can be used to adjust premiums, as well as life expectancy charts.  Amanda Slaughter, and actuarial scientist with the society spoke with us about the recent findings. We were not surprised to ...

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Pedophiles Three Times as Likely to Skip Breakfast

Pedophiles Three Times as Likely to Skip Breakfast 3 votes / 5 Stars While pretty much everyone agrees that pedophiles are disgusting people (with perhaps the sole exception being pedophiles themselves), something they need to stop doing is skipping breakfast.  The importance of a balanced breakfast cannot be understated, but these guys just don’t seem to care.  It’s a well known fact that breakfast helps your brain work better, and helps you make better decisions.  Since pedophiles are generally less likely to be intelligent in the first place, they need all the help they can get. Researchers at the sexual medicine department at the University Medical Center Schleswig-Holstein (UKSH) had all sorts of important things to say about pedophiles, such as, ...

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Recreational Fishing Linked to Severe Alcoholism

Recreational Fishing Linked to Severe Alcoholism 7 votes / 4.43 Stars Fishing is one of the great pastimes throughout history.  Where there’s water, there are fish.  Where there are fish, there are anglers.  Where there are anglers, there is beer.  What does beer have to do with fish, you might ask?  Everything.  As it turns out, fishing, like baseball, is so boring that beer is required to make it even remotely exciting. Every year, fishermen in the US alone consume enough beer while fishing to fill 27 olympic sized pools with enough leftover to make the entire city of Boston drunk for the whole week of St. Patrick’s.  Sadly, the vast majority of that beer is swill like Budweiser or ...

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The Sun: Why It’s Best Avoided

The Sun: Why It’s Best Avoided 4 votes / 5 Stars The sun, like most other aspects of the universe, is trying to kill you.  Far too many people know little to nothing about the sun, and its sinister motives.  Exposure to the sun can give you all kinds of maladies, from sunburn to skin cancer.  It can bake you like a potato, or fry you like an egg.  Given these facts, why do people go outside during the day? It may surprise you to know that the sun is actually a star.  Unlike most stars, it’s just very close.  Stars are gigantic nuclear reactors, and I think we can all agree that nuclear energy is bad.  With disasters like ...

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Food Safety: Mortality Rate Among Fruit Eaters an Astonishing 100%

Food Safety: Mortality Rate Among Fruit Eaters an Astonishing 100% 3 votes / 5 Stars Nutritional safety is always important in today’s fast-paced, fast food society.  We all do the best we can to ensure we are getting the energy and the nutrients we require to keep us at our best.  Many have suggested recently that everything we need can be found in basic fruits.  This theory is very worrisome to nutritionists at the Gnawphul institute for nutritional studies in Budapest, Hungary.  Dr. Philip Honmeats has been responsible for dozens of studies over the years linking many foods to disease and death.  His groundbreaking new theory, which suggests that fruits are responsible for death amongst consumers, is taking the nutritional world ...

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The Color Pink Linked to Outbreak in Breast Cancer

The Color Pink Linked to Outbreak in Breast Cancer 5 votes / 5 Stars A new groundbreaking study will change the way we view breast cancer forever. This vile, disgusting disease that affects so many will soon be brought to its knee’s through prevention thanks to the life-changing work being done by Dr. Kopski Fehly of the Institute for Female Studies at the prestigious Klhukuski institute in Sweeden. In a study of 200 participants consisting of both males and females. Dr. Fehly has found that wearing pink more than a couple times per month makes you 75% more likely to develop breast cancer.  Said Dr Fehly, “It is our determination that the color pink is a direct component to the development of ...

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Nose pickers healthier and live longer.

Nose pickers healthier and live longer. 3 votes / 5 Stars It is maybe the biggest taboo in American culture. It is one of the fastest ways to become ostracized from the rest of society. Anyone who gets caught doing it is immediately marked as unfrindworthy. Now science shows that it is one of the healthiest things you can do for your body. It is nose picking and it is as necessary as taking a shower or brushing your teeth. According to a recent study conducted by the Millhouse center for Ear, Nose, And Throat Care, Dr. P. Roboscus has concluded that the nose is the body’s natural filter.  It eliminates pathogens in the air by the use of tiny ...

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Polyembolokoilamania and You: We Got Nothin’

Polyembolokoilamania and You: We Got Nothin’ 6 votes / 5 Stars Once in awhile, we run across a behavior so unsafe that we can’t properly process what we’re seeing.  This one is perhaps the worst.  Firstly, we understand that this is a mental illness, and we’ve had experience in that realm (and we’re properly medicated, we swear).  Polyembolokoilamania, however, is a bird of a different color.  This is a behavior so unsafe that we probably need to ban it and incarcerate everyone practicing it for their own good. Polyembolokoilamania is a disease in which one inserts foreign objects in body orifices.  You heard that right.  People are inserting all manner of objects into any body orifice that catches their fancy. ...

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