Cops: We’re not Racist, Just Too Out-of-Shape to Chase You

Chicago, Ill – We have all grown accustomed to hearing the horror stories of young minority citizens being gunned down in the streets by overzealous or often poorly trained law enforcement officers. Explanations are difficult to come by and usually just increase the confusion.  That is, until now.

The president of Chicago’s largest officers union, Dr.Thomas Cabin is speaking out and gaining traction with his new theory.

It is my belief that these few incidents have very little to do with actual racism. It seems to me that many of our officers are simply too out of shape to do the most basic tasks involving movement and persuit.  Quite honestly, we think we can make a compelling case against Dunkin Donuts for offering officers free donuts.

Officers in Cabin’s union are also speaking out and praying their voices are heard.

I am not a racist. I have killed plenty of white kids too. It’s a big problem trying to cope with the younger generation. White or black nobody is faster than bullets. – James, ‘Jimbo’ Otis, Chicago P.D.

Other officers claim that this explanation is a poor excuse.

C’mon man, this is rediculous. We’ve all watched the videos. I spend half my time as an officer telling my partners to put they guns away. These fools are hunting. – Shameil Shamazzle (Chicago P.D.)

Recently we caught up with a couple presidential campaigns to get their thoughts on Dr. Cabin’s theories.

I find it hard to believe in 2016 we still have white officers. They can’t contain their racism when they see a minority walking freely in the streets. Under my administration we WILL be sure to address these racist officers who act stupidly. – Former Secratary of State Hillary Clinton

We are gonna make policing great again. Our police are gonna be the greatest police ever when I am elected. You wont believe how great they can be again. Also I think if we build walls around Chicago and Detroit we could stop much of the crime from spreading. These walls will be phenomenal. Nobody builds wall like me. We will build walls around Detroit and Chicago and Cleveland is going to pay for them. – Donald Trump

We feel that Cabin’s theories deserve a fair shake.  It’s time we looked into physical requirements for cops and evaluated their dietary habits.  If it saves one young life, it’s worth the investment.