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Scientist Discover That Most People Are Completely Useless

Scientist Discover That Most People Are Completely Useless
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You're not special, you're just weird

You’re not special, you’re just weird

Western culture tends to push the narrative that everyone is a unique snowflake, each with his/her/zer own worth, value, and abilities.  Western culture is wrong.  Science has determined that the vast majority of people are utterly useless.  They’ll spend most of their lives simply eating and being a burden on society and the overtaxed distribution systems we’ve established to keep them alive.  Think about the last time you attended a family reunion.  How many of those people have contributed to society in any meaningful way?  Odds are you have only one family member who has accomplished anything of note.  In all likelihood, it’s not even you (but considering you’re smart enough to read this, it may be).  In your whole family, from your great grandparents on down, including your great aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins (irrespective of how many times removed), no one has done anything worth mentioning.  Feel free to dig around.  If you find something, let us know.  We won’t hold our breath, though.

Social Anthropologists at the University of Alabama have decided to delve into the issue.  The school’s thriving Anthropology department has no shortage of graduate students who wish to know the real reason behind the tendency of most people to be utterly useless.  The irony is palpable.

The hardest part of the question, they say, is thinking about what constitutes a ‘meaningful contribution’ to humanity.  Does becoming a physician count?  What about becoming a politician?  In fact, is there any ‘job’ that immediately guarantees your contribution to the betterment of mankind or the planet?

drunk-monkies

More effective than Congress

The short answer is ‘no.’  Most people don’t think about what it is that physicians do.  They tend to keep people alive that nature would have selected as too weak to breed.  Politicians don’t do anything useful at all.  In fact, given congress’ approval rating, you’d have the same or better results if drunk monkeys were mashing ‘yes’ or ‘no’ buttons randomly to decide how we handle issues.

You’d be surprised to know that the vast majority of things people do just don’t matter.  The life saved by a doctor could be the life of a person who will go on to do something great like exploring a new planet or convincing idiots not to breed.  Odds are, though, that the life he saves will go on to collect some kind of government benefit and eat massive amounts of pizza and Cheetos® in his underwear while masturbating to twisted Internet porn and slowly dying.  One graduate student who wished to remain nameless said, “We knew most people were superfluous, we just didn’t realize how bad the problem was.  We don’t really know what to do with the information because we need the idiots to find the outliers.”

The argument boils down to is this.  In order for society and humanity to survive, we need to keep allowing for the vast swath of the population who contributes absolutely nothing to the planet to continue having babies in the hopes that one of them won’t be a waste of skin and oxygen.  That fact doesn’t make us any more happy with the reality of the situation.

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2 comments

  1. James Quick

    A group of baboons is also a congress.
    Now think about the prefixes pro- and con-
    Progress and congress.
    Hmmmmmmmmmmm

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