WASHINGTON D.C. – Truth in Politix, a nonpartisan political action group, has released their list of little-known campaign promises from both the Donald Trump (R) campaign, and the Hillary Clinton (D) campaign for president. Some of the promises are known to many political aficionados but others are so obscure that even the most seasoned political hacks are unaware of them. Both campaigns are pushing to get the all-important independent vote and will pander relentlessly to do so. Here is a short list, with many surprises, that exist within the two campaigns. If you are aware of any other promises not listed here please feel free to submit them.
Donald Trump has made many well-known promises. Among these are; building a wall to stop illegal immigration, stopping trade deals that create an imbalance between us and other nations, and lower corporate tax rates to bring businesses back to America. He has also made promises that are a little more obscure which lend themselves to smaller voting blocks. Among the promises we have been able to verify are:
- Creating a much larger system of Pokéstops leading to the capture of the grandest Pokémon of them all, the ‘Trumpzillian’
- Extending happy hour at all American owned bars from 2PM-8PM with $2 rail shots and domestics
- Adding an additional night of WWE wrestling for core diehard fans and a 2-hour block on Fridays for MMA
- Making it illegal in the United States to create Youtube videos that falsely claim to know the identity of Supreme Leader Snoke or claim to know who the parents of Rey are
- Moving white policemen to the endangered species list so liberals can be against killing them too.
- Offering funds for any software developer to create an app to point out any ISIS member in close proximity to the user.
- Replacing the dollar as United States currency with the Bitcoin.
Hillary Clinton has made her fair share of campaign promises as well. We are unaware of any that are well known as she really had not bothered to make any. She has a full slate of obscure promises, however, that we list here:
- Every restaurant in America shall honor ‘Taco Tuesdays” in deference to our friends in the south
- Adding a ‘second’ week each year to Shark Week. This will include a full week in the summer and an additional week in the Winter
- Getting rid of silly laws that punish people for using charitable funds for the collector’s own purposes
- Getting rid of silly laws that make perjury a crime
- Making it illegal to charge extra for double pepperoni
- Forcing sports teams to follow affirmative action guidelines by making 52% of all sports teams women
- Making it illegal for anyone to knowingly share evidence of elected officials corruption
- Declaring Wikileaks an enemy combatant
- Granting suffrage to Cadaverous Americans
- Forcing Chinese restaurants to “clearly” label each food item on their buffets.
We reached out to both Presidential campaigns for comment. The Clinton campaign refused to comment on the record but stated that they believe Supreme leader Snoke is actually the evil part of Darth Vader that escaped after he died and claim to be the first to call for additional Pokéstops throughout America. Donald Trump, on the other hand, did agree to speak with us and had the following to say, “Two Shark weeks per year sounds great, especially since it was MY idea months ago. Also, who is going to pay for all of the free pepperonis? I don’t think Crooked Hillary has thought this through.”